Coffee Quest: A RWBY Parody
by Orange-Moon-Goddess
Summary: A parody of the entire series that involves ship sinking, coffee drinking, and "organized" crime.
1. Never Trust the Narrator

(Warnings for crack later on)

I don't know how long this will be :\ But for now, consider this a prologue.

._.

Professor Ozpin enjoyed drinking his coffee.

He also loved doing absolutely nothing else as he sipped from his steaming hot mug caffeine. Sometimes he liked to do other things as he drank his coffee, such as doing nothing concerning the welfare of his students as he drank coffee. Not to be mistaken with "doing nothing," as that entailed, as it sounded: Doing nothing. Doing nothing concerning the students' safety was different, as sometimes, he chuckled -and if it was a good day, he even _laughed_ to himself as students were sent flying from launching pads into a deadly forest (which he planned to do again this year for initiation), in which they could possibly be killed. If he was doing "nothing," he wouldn't let his amusement be known to those in his surroundings. Because "chuckling" in amusement constituted as doing "something."

So as he stood by idly as his students took the dangerous first step into the dangerous world of Grimm (he was pretty sure all of the students signed the waiver. They signed the waiver, right? Because he didn't have any money in the event of a lawsuit against Beacon Academy... It wasn't like he was lazy with his job or anything; the economy was at another all time low. Maybe that was because the Schnee Dust Company was hogging all of the Lien), and as he rambled on in his mind with pointless details regarding thoughts that he was certain would _never_ be relevant later on in his life, Professor Ozpin sipped his coffee and "did nothing about his students," his favorite pastime as of late.

However, as he opened the door to his office with an empty coffee mug in one hand, something felt... amiss. The feeling that something was about to go horribly wrong because of his poor life-style choices began to nag at him. With a quick glance over his office, he didn't see anything out of place. It didn't look as if Glynda had dropped off any paperwork- which he hated- and nothing was missing from his desk.

Passing the nagging feeling off to the side for now, Professor Ozpin drifted over towards his miniature coffee station. The perks of being headmaster here was that he could have these sorts of additions to his personal workplace, and no one here would be able to call him out on it without being fired. Thus, he was allowed to fill up an empty mug whenever he wanted, and he could _continue_ observing his students get thrown into awkward, hilarious, sometimes dangerous, but mostly hilarious situations.

Until he picked up his strangely-light coffee mug and tried to refuel himself on caffeine. The container was cold, and only a few drops were tasted. Ozpin, confused, looked inside the mug and then to the coffee pot.

They were both empty.

_"Well, I did have some visitors earlier..." _Ozpin reasoned in his head as he replaced the filter inside the coffee machine. He opened the small cabinets below for the bag of coffee beans he bought the other day. He reached inside, but was met with nothingness.

There were no more coffee beans.

"Okay," Ozpin shook his head and shut the cabinets. He stood up properly, straightening his suit with increasing anxiety. "No more coffee here," he mumbled to himself. What was he going to do? He wouldn't be able to focus or do anything in life without his precious coffee. If he didn't have his coffee, then-

"_So you may prepare your guardians, build your monuments to a so-called 'free world', but take heed..."_ a female voice suddenly began to speak, "_there will be no victory with your caffeine._"

...

Did he just get narrated?

Ozpin glanced out the window to see if anyone was outside. Perhaps someone was playing a prank on him. That made sense, whereas creepy voices coming from no direction (almost as if they were in his head) _didn't._ After looking out the window and seeing no one, he came to the conclusion that it was probably one of the creatures of Grimm. All the more reason to kill them, then. He would have to persuade his students into senselessly slaughtering the ones that were capable of throwing their voices and stealing coffee. Surely this was all the Grimm's fault.

Oh well. Time to go buy some more coffee. Though he was pretty sure he had bought all of the coffee available in the city of Vale (all of which was mysteriously missing at the moment). He was going to have to purchase online at this rate.

"_I said,_ there will be no victory with your caffeine!" the same voice repeated, louder this time. The room shook a little from the force of the shout. "Don't you ever listen to me? Don't you even know who I am?" the voice demanded.

"... Hello? Who is this?" Professor Ozpin called out.

"I'm the narrating voice at the beginning of the first episode!" the voice sounded heavily insulted by the lack of recognition.

Again, Ozpin dismissed this as a new breed of Grimm. He shook his head and ran a hand through his hair tiredly. And if he wasn't right-

"You're not right!" the voice cut off his thought, "you're dead wrong!"

- then he was going to settle this as coffee withdrawal.

"****!" the "narrator" swore.

_Coffee withdrawal and a tendency to swear in my head,_ Ozpin corrected himself.

The voice didn't say anymore after that. But Ozpin could hear the "narration" huffing off in annoyance, probably exasperated with his behavior. He allowed himself a small smirk of satisfaction, which was quickly wiped off his face when he saw that the door had been open the entire time. The smile fell when he saw Glynda standing in the doorway, having heard him rambling to himself.

Quickly thinking, Ozpin pretended to fix an earpiece "buried" in his hair. He nodded to Glynda and continued speaking: "Ah, I see. So the next shipment of coffee beans will be available next week?"

_Nice save_, he thought to himself. Glynda seemed to believe he was talking on an earpiece, and patiently waited in the doorway with a clipboard. It didn't look like she was going to leave. Crap, that meant he had to end the "conversation" at a reasonable spot.

"Well, seeing as how all of my coffee has inexplicably _vanished _due to a raid I suspect was carried out by the Grimm," Ozpin raised his voice and put emphasis on his dilemma, "I would like to purchase all of it." He waited a couple seconds and shifted in spot as he pretended to listen to the "response." He glanced at Glynda from the corner of his eye. She was still standing there. He continued, "Yes, all of it. I don't care about shipping costs."

Glynda looked at her watch impatiently. To mess with her, Ozpin feigned surprise at the next comment. "What? Shipping is free for Canada? Well, send it _there_ then! I'll just have it illegally smuggled into Vale. Now good day, sir."

Ozpin ended his charade by stuffing the "earpiece" - and by earpiece he meant air- into his pocket. He turned around to face Glynda at last.

"Professor Ozpin, I brought in a young girl for questioning regarding the recent attempted robbery," Glynda informed him. "Should I begin the interrogation without you?"

Ozpin looked at his empty mug of coffee. He was going to have to take care of this somehow. "Yes, go ahead. But play it off like I was waiting the entire time to be introduced," he ordered, "I don't want to give off the impression that we're not organized."

Glynda nodded. "Very well. Would you like me to reserve the last of the coffee pot outside the interrogation room? I understand that you literally glued your mug to your hand to emphasize how heavily you rely on your caffeine," Glynda gestured towards the empty mug, having taken notice of the lack of drink.

"I knew I hired you from Starbucks for a reason," Ozpin sighed with relief. He remembered that moment all too clear. Glynda had asked if he wanted a tall, a grande, or a venti sized coffee. He said venti. She gave him the coffee. Then he asked if she would rather work at Beacon. She said yes, threw down her hat and green apron, flipped off the manager and left to begin her new job at Beacon Academy. "Yes, please just leave it outside the room. I'll catch up with you after I board up the windows with wooden planks. I don't want anymore Grimm sneaking inside and stealing anything else..."

She didn't comment on his rambling. Anyone else would have definitely accused him of being a loony, though. But Glynda was professional like that, and he appreciated that.

"Do you want anything else with your coffee?" the blonde huntress questioned.

"No, that'll be all," Ozpin rummaged through the supply closet and took out the toolbox. He tore down the wooden door and took it over to the window so he could begin construction.

"Leave the Lien on the counter. Sugar and cream is on the right, and wifi is free," Glynda turned and automatically called over her shoulder as she went down the hallway, "Thank you for supporting Starbucks and have a nice day."

Professor Ozpin was too occupied with boarding up his windows to answer to that. He was in the middle of a crisis here; he didn't have time to respond to an impersonal and insincere "thank you" from a former Starbucks employee! His priority was securing the safety of his coffee- not his students' safety, or talking to ex-baristas. Luckily for the staff and students of Beacon Academy, they were being overseen by a headmaster who was _very_ much capable of setting his priorities straight.

Yes, they were very fortunate indeed.

._.

#NoraandKleptomaniacYangStoleTheCoffee

*cough* what? I didn't say anything.

Let me know if you want to read more :)


	2. I Met Him At The Candy Store

Note To Anyone Reading: There's a lot of crack, I won't lie. Oh, and this parody will be covering most of the RWBY episodes just so you know.

._.

Glynda Goodwitch wasn't sure how to approach this situation.

"Soooo," drawled the young girl sitting across from the table. "Why am I here?"

She sighed deeply. Rose petals began to fly everywhere when she exhaled, but the young girl was oblivious to both her exasperation and the red petals that covered every inch of the floor. She wasn't looking forward to cleaning that up. She wasn't looking forward to this questioning, either.

After various shenanigans involving chasing down one very stupid criminal, Glynda had been forced to bring in one Ruby Rose in for questioning. The young girl had insisted upon being given an autograph during the trip here, and when Glynda finally gave it, the girl continued to blabber on about Hunters and Huntresses. And now she had to delay parts of the interrogation because Professor Ozpin was busy boarding up his windows. Could this day get any worse?

Outside, she could hear Professor Ozpin loudly drinking his coffee. Glynda tried to block out the noises as she turned to face Ruby.

"Well, lets see," Glynda's irritation was building up and it was noticeable. "First you kick a man through a window. Then you beat the snot out of some other people. After that, you pursued a dangerous criminal and nearly got yourself killed, while also causing damage to city property."

Ruby averted her eyes and grinned sheepishly. "Uh, well..."

"What were you doing out so late anyways?" Glynda continued on, "It was one in the morning. What did you even have to do at one in the morning that you couldn't do at a reasonable time?"

"I wanted candy!" Ruby looked back up. "So I went to the candy store."

Glynda nearly exploded.

"You mean _From Dust Til Dawn_. The local Dust shop," Glynda corrected her while attempting to remain calm. "Which is not a candy store at all."

"Sure it was!" Ruby crossed her arms, looking at the Huntress as though she were crazy. "What were those tube containers on the wall, then? And those colorful rocks behind the case?"

"That was dust," Glynda's green eyes narrowed. "Not candy."

"Fine, whatever," Ruby huffed. "Do you want to hear the story or not?"

_No, not really, _she thought to herself. But if she didn't ask, then she had a feeling that this hyperactive girl would go on about how cool Hunters and Huntresses were.

To be honest, she would rather work the rest of her life without being paid.

Okay, maybe that was an exaggeration; the girl wasn't too annoying.

Not wanting to hear this girl's tale but knowing her job required her to, Glynda sat down opposite Ruby Rose and prepared for the worst.

"Let's hear what you have to say."

Ruby smiled.

"Well, you see!..."

-Flashback-

_Ruby was staring at the latest weapons magazine. There were all sorts of neat weapon designs in the magazine, and barely a third of them were legal. Still, even if she couldn't get ahold of them, that didn't mean she couldn't just go to the nearest black market or better yet, attempt to forge the weapon for herself. _

_The headphones on her head blasted the lyrics to _This Will Be The Day_ sung by the amazing Casey Lee Williams. God she loved this song. Especially since it wasn't one of those songs that foreshadowed important things; Ruby hated it when songs did that. She couldn't turn on the radio and listen to _Red Like Roses _without hearing other people around her speculating about a show called _RWBY_. Seriously, what was up with that?_

_Suddenly someone began to tap her on the shoulder._

_Turning around, Ruby was faced with a Generic Bad Guy dressed in mafia-style clothing. She removed her headphones to hear what he had to say for himself. How dare he interrupt Casey Lee Williams._

_"I can hear your music," the henchman complained, "Turn it down, we're in a library."_

_Ruby blinked. "I thought we were in a candy store though."_

_"Oh," the henchman was suddenly confused. "I just thought that because of the shushing from the boss and your magazines... well..."_

_In the front of the shop Ruby could now hear the "boss" loudly shushing the shop owner. "SHHHHHH! JESUS CHRIST, STOP PANICKING ALREADY!"_

_"Shut up and take my Lien!" the old shop owner shouted back at the leader of the heist. "LEAAAAVEEE!"_

_"Oh my god, stop talking," the boss was quickly becoming exasperated with the old man. Ruby looked around the corner and saw that the old man had begun a demon exorcising ritual and was centering it around a man with orange hair, a funny hat, and a white coat. _

_"Be gone, demon!" the shop owner began to sprinkle holy water everywhere. "Begone!" _

_"I'm not a demon," the orange-haired criminal growled as he was splashed with the holy water. The shop owner began to go on about how he definitely was since he was a ginger, but the criminal shouted over his rambling. "How does me being a ginger result in me having no soul?"_

_The shop keeper took out a bible from under the counter and began to chant: "_Exorcizamus te, omnis immundus spiritus, omnis satanica potestas, omnis incursio infernalis adversarii, omnis legio, omnis congregatio et secta diabolica!-"_ *_

_He was cut off before he could go on any further. "You stole that from _Supernatural_," the criminal accused._

_"Nu-uh," the shop keeper denied, "I don't watch that show!"_

_"..." The orange-haired man lit a cigar, rolling his eyes as he sat down in the ring of salt that the shop keeper had made around him (which wasn't actually how salt worked on demons). He may as well play along with this. "_Ave gloriosa in nomine Satan._" **_

_"I knew it! Satan worshiper! Devil!" the old shop owner's voice boomed throughout the small establishment. "Just you wait until I get the Winchester brothers on your ass- _then _you'll be sorry you ever messed with me!"_

_"You said you didn't watch _Supernatural_ though."_

_"I never said that!"_

_"You just did! Literally thirty seconds ago, you said-"_

_"Nope! I don't remember that!"_

_"Sir if you don't shut up, there is going to be a meeting between my foot and your face at this rate!"_

_"NOPE!"_

_"OH, COME ON, OLD MAN! YOU'RE REALLY STARTING TO PISS. ME. OFF!"_

_Ruby could see where that conversation was heading. "Yeah, I don't think this is a library."_

_The henchman shrugged while his fellow henchmen filled up glass tubes with the "Dust" (she was certain that was another word for candy) stored along the walls. _

_"Oh, well what is this place then? A candy store? I need to know what I'm stealing so I have a higher chance of successful, organized crime," the goon was too busy trying to determine what his group was robbing to see that the little girl in front of him had just taken out a scythe and was about to kick him through a window._

_And so she did._

-End of flashback-

"After that, I engaged in mortal combat with the criminal known as Roman Torchwick," Ruby went on, "but then some other stuff happened and things got weird."

"Weird?" Glynda raised an eyebrow questioningly. "What do you mean weird?"

"Well," Ruby scratched her head. "What I mean is..."

"No," Glynda interrupted, "we are_ not_ going into another one of your flashbacks."

Outside, Ozpin continued to drink his coffee loudly. "Needs more sugar," she heard him mutter.

Ruby didn't hear his muttering, but wondered why Glynda suddenly seemed more pissed off than she already was. Glynda glared at the open doorway, clearing her throat as she stood up.

"You can tell us what happened next in a _non_-flashback manner," she said through gritted teeth. "In fact, there is someone here who would be very interested in what you have to say in _words that aren't flashback_."

On cue, in entered a man with short gray hair reminiscent of a chicken's butt in the back. Ruby put on her best poker face to avoid offending the newcomer in the black and dark green suit. He looked important, especially since his figure wasn't shaded in black like the other unimportant people wandering the streets. When Ruby saw that this person was carrying in a tray of cookies, she came to the conclusion that this man was the most important man in the history of the universe.

"Yes I am very interested in the thing that the scary woman just said," he said as he set the plate of cookies down in front of her. "Hello, Ms. Rose, I notice you have silver eyes. Well, I have silver hair," he pointed to his head, "In case you don't already know who I am, my name is Professor Ozpin and I'm the headmaster at Beacon Academy."

"Hello," Ruby immediately began to wolf down the baked goods.

While she went into full detail about how she chased down Roman Torchwick throughout the city (while the streets were conveniently void of civilians), Ozpin continued to drink his coffee. He couldn't help but notice the girl was sprouting rose petals from out of nowhere, almost as if she were creating matter herself. But according to the law of conservation of matter, matter could not be created or destroyed. So the random rose petals had to be coming from somewhere... or perhaps it was just artistic preference?

He wondered if Glynda could see them as well. While Ruby went on about how Roman accidentally blew up his own getaway airjet (like an idiot) when he tried to explode her with a red Dust gem, Ozpin quickly grabbed one of the petals from the floor and showed it to Glynda.

"Hey, are you seeing this too?" he whispered.

"Yes, she's been doing that for a while now," Glynda answered quietly. "I'm not cleaning that up by the way."

"-but then he called me a ratchet ass hoe, so I slapped him across the face," Ruby went on with her story. This caught Glynda's attention.

"He called you _what?_" her eyes widened as she asked the young girl to repeat herself.

"He called me a ratchet ass hoe," Ruby told her. "Then I smacked him across the face, because that was totally uncalled for. After I did that, this lady with a red dress showed up and also hit him on the head for blowing up the getaway vehicle while she was still inside."

Glynda shifted her complete attention to Ruby's story, whereas Ozpin began to get to the bottom of the rose petal mystery. And by bottom, he meant the floor. Where was the floor, for god's sake?

After digging a hole in the rose petal-covered floor with his bare hands, Ozpin found plant life growing from the ground. He didn't remember trying to decorate the interrogation room to make it more visitor-friendly, so he assumed the plants were also Ms. Rose's doing.

_We get it, your last name is Rose, _he thought to himself, _but you don't need to literally have the plants growing in your wake! _He began to remove the sprouting plant, wondering how this was even physically possible.

Upon closer inspection, he found that it wasn't just any plant. It looked strangely familiar...

"Glynda, can you send this to the local botanist and have him identify this for me?" Ozpin requested, handing the plant over carefully. "Be quick about it- this is important," he emphasized.

Glynda exited the room with the plant, leaving Ozpin alone with Ruby.

"Ms. Rose," he glanced again at the rose-petal covered floor, "are you aware that you've been littering the floor for the past few hours?"

Ruby looked at the floor. "Oh, sorry. That just happens sometimes."

"Yes, things often happen which we cannot... prevent..." his voice trailed off as he tried to step around the petals to return to his seat. "Anyways! From the oddly-placed security cameras, we looked over the footage and I must say I'm impressed with your Sniper Scythe wielding abilities."

The girl smiled. "Aww, thanks. My uncle Qrow took me under his wing and taught me how to use Crescent Rose," she told him while she took out said weapon. "What's your weapon by the way?"

Professor Ozpin raised his coffee mug in response.

Ruby laughed. "No no no, really, what's your weapon? Something epic? I noticed you're using a cane."

Ozpin laughed as well. "Yes, I'm getting quite old I suppose. Haven't you seen the color of my hair?"

"Well, about your hair," Ruby's face started to twitch. "Has anyone ever told you that the back of your head looks like-"

She cut herself off before she could say the rest of the sentence.

"Um, nevermind," she shook her head as she dismissed the topic. "So you wield a cane, right?"

"No, I dual-wield coffee mugs," Ozpin insisted. "I'm working on triple-wielding coffee mugs, but I don't exactly have a third hand. If I can manage that however, I will be the most powerful and important man in all of existence." He thoughtfully looked down at his coffee mug. "It's too bad all of this coffee has had a negative effect on my health. If I didn't have to carry around this cane all the time, I bet I could progress further than just two measly mugs."

Ruby eyed the plate of cookies. There were still a few left. "Well, if it means anything Professor Ozpin, I think you're already an important person."_ Because you brought in cookies_, she thought, but didn't say out loud. "I believe you can, er, triple-wield coffee mugs. Good luck with that."

Before Ozpin could respond, Glynda returned to the room to deliver the news.

"Should I expect a report by tomorrow morning?" the headmaster of Beacon asked.

Glynda shook her head. "No, they identified the plant very fast actually."

"Oh. Well, is it dangerous? Poisonous?" he was wondering what could possibly be growing in the footsteps of a young girl. "Is it magic?"

"No, there is no magic here," Glynda told him. "I think you've had too much coffee, sir."

"... It's very ironic that you would say there's no magic, given that your surname is Goodwitch," Ozpin commented. "So what was the report? Is it weed? Do we have to worry about marijuana harvesters?"

"No." Glynda seemed reluctant to answer. "No sir, it's nothing you should be concerned with."

Ozpin stared at Glynda until she cracked.

"OK, fine, it's _Coffea Arabica_!" she snapped. "And yes, the rose petals are definitely real, but why is this something we even need to discuss?"

Ruby joined in the conversation. "There's coffee plants growing wherever I walk? Wow, I never even noticed the rose petal thing! I'm like a walking garden."

Glynda questioned how she never noticed this anomaly before. Ruby said something about having a sister who was "fiery" and had a tendency to burst into flames, suggesting that she may have accidentally burned the majority of the plants. But Professor Ozpin didn't hear any of this. Only one thing registered in his head, and that was the fact that this girl was able to grow coffee trees wherever she went.

"How old are you?" he suddenly spoke.

"I'm fifteen," Ruby answered. "Why?"

_Crap, that means I can't hire her._ Ozpin thought of an alternate solution. "Well, would you like to attend Beacon Academy two years early? You're a very skilled fighter from what we've seen. We would be glad to have more students like you."

_And by that I mean I just want to grow coffee bean trees everywhere. That will solve my coffee shortage in three to five years when the plants begin to produce fruit. And then I will have_ all_ the coffee I want. I don't care _what_ that narrator says._

"Okay!" Ruby grinned, "I've always wanted to be a Huntress-"

"Yeah, yeah, but we're just going to launch you into Emerald Forest right away," Ozpin informed her. "Since we don't have the relics planted just yet, your job will be to walk all over the Emerald Forest. And make sure to plant plenty of trees, because the other students will probably burn the place down like Ms. Schnee."

"Who?" Ruby echoed.

Ozpin wasn't sure what he just said there. "No one I guess." He stood from his seat and stepped around the rose petals, trying to reach the doorway. "Glynda, launch her into the Emerald Forest as soon as possible."

"Sir, what about teams and partners? Can't we wait?" Glynda called after the headmaster as he began to disappear down the hallway.

Ozpin glanced at the empty coffee mug outside of the room.

"No, we can't. Just give Ms. Rose her own team and partner her with whichever student ends up being forever alone," he ordered. "It doesn't really matter, does it?"

Ruby exchanged a look with the blonde huntress.

"Are you ready?" Glynda was already dreading the upcoming year.

Ruby shoved the rest of the cookies into her pocket.

"I'm ready!" Ruby cheered.

"Off to Emerald Forest, then," Glynda sighed. And to herself, she muttered, "_Why do I even bother with this job?_"

._.

*Okay yes, that was part of the exorcism chant from Supernatural. I couldn't help it since I saw the name "Winchester" on the RWBY character list, and since Roman just so happened to have orange hair (and is evil).

** This translates to: _Hail in the glorious name of satan._

A/N: Did anyone get the title reference?

If you want more crack just let me know in the comments section :) Next chapter should feature Yang, Weiss, Blake and team JNPR as they arrive at Beacon. Also, ships will be destroyed preemptively and Yang will steal some stuff.


	3. Shoot, The Chapter Title Was Too Long

Chapter 3: Why Do Girls Always Have To Go To The Bathroom In Groups?

A/N: I may not update often by the way because I'm also trying to focus on writing 66 chapters for another parody I'm doing. If you've looked at my profile you know what I mean :P And you would also know 66 chapters is nothing, because I've written and completed a 101 Attempt Series. I will write for RWBY in between and when I'm inspired, but otherwise I get really busy ;_; But thank you to everyone who reviewed last chapter! I was able to respond to everyone and I'm glad that I've been getting feedback from you guys (especially since the RWBY community is only growing right now).

Also, when it comes to shipping (pairing of couples) I am fairly neutral. I just like writing the comedy xD

._.

"Ohmigod you're going to Beacon with meee!" squealed a bubbly blonde teenager with lilac colored eyes, who was quick to embrace her little sister. "This is going to be awesome!"

Said little sister gasped for air as she struggled to break free. "Yang, I can't breathe!"

Yang Xiao Long grinned as she released her little sister and stepped away. "So, Ruby, you already went through the initiation process, right?" she nudged the shorter, dark haired girl in the side playfully. "Did you get to do anything exciting?"

Ruby frowned and pursed her lips together. "No, they just had me walk around for five hours in a forest by myself."

It was true; straight after the interrogation, Ruby had been ushered over to the Emerald Forest, the site that was going to be used to determine teams and partners. While everyone else was going tomorrow to be given some other task, she was launched into forest by herself until the sun came up and a staff member found her.

Supposedly her folks back home had been informed of this; after all, she had already been outside at midnight and they were bound to wonder where she had gone off to. Though she personally wouldn't have let the Beacon Academy staff phone her home at two in the morning, waking up everyone in the household as Yang (of all people) answered and realized that her little sister was missing. According to a now-terrified Glynda Goodwitch, Yang started shouting at her for allowing something so reckless to happen and for telling them at an unreasonable hour. Also part of their home had burnt down, but that happened quite often. Good thing they had homeowners insurance. But it wasn't a good thing that Yang had proceeded to leave the house to chase after the Beacon Academy staff (notably Professor Ozpin) demanding, while bursting with actual flames, where in the world Ruby was.

Ruby shuddered as she recalled hearing the terrified shrieking of the headmaster. She had wondered what that was about until she met up with her older sister, who had beaten half of Beacon's staff senselessly and stopped the moment Ruby appeared. Yang had grabbed Ozpin by his suit and was about to punch him in Super Saiyan mode, but her fist stopped mere inches away from his face when she saw that her sister hadn't been eaten by a Beowolf in the forest.

She could still see the relieved expressions on the teachers' faces as Yang set down the headmaster and turned her attention elsewhere, in a more... peaceful manner.

Ruby had never been so ****ing terrified in her entire life in the following moments when Yang switched from burning anger to her usual cheerfulness as she nearly hugged Ruby to death.

Now looking at Yang as she interrupted a nearby conversation, Ruby could still say that she was scared out of her wits.

"Hello~!" Yang greeted in an overly-cheerful manner, lodging herself between an orange-haired girl in pink clothing and a quiet boy with black hair (was that a pink streak she saw?). "So, I heard you talking about ships! Isn't this a nice ship?"

Ruby wondered if she was talking about the physical kind of ship, or the other kind. Probably the latter, knowing her sister.

"Uhh," the guy seemed unsure of how he should deal with the newcomer. Ruby sat down on one of the nearby seats, knowing exactly what was about to go down here. She would intervene if things got ugly.

"I like trains!" the orange-haired girl chirped. "My name is Nora! And this is Lie Ren!" she grabbed her friend's arm and prevented him from escaping. "He also likes trains!"

"Nora, I never said-" Lie Ren attempted to correct his friend, only to be cut off.

"He likes trains!" Nora stopped him. "He _definitely_ likes trains!" Dear lord, she was almost as cheerful as Yang. It was starting to worry Ruby, and she could tell that she wasn't the only one. Ren was trying to gnaw off his arm in order to escape, but it didn't look as if Yang or Nora noticed.

"Good!" Yang grinned, "it's good that you prefer trains. If you ask me, ships are terrible."

_Oh no_, Ruby thought, _here she goes_.

"What do you mean?" Nora asked, "Did a ship crash into your home and kill your pet turtle when you were little?"

"Uhh, no," Yang shook her head. "I'm just saying. A ship is only meant for certain people, you know?"

"Oh I know!" the girl nodded understandingly. "Ships are so romantic- especially the ones that were meant to fly!"

"Was that a reference?" Ren asked.

Nora ignored him. "I think ships shouldn't be used for battle or transportation. Trains should be used instead- I like trains," she repeated herself. "I think trains are great!"

"I agree," Yang seemed pleased by this stranger's response. "What I hate about ships though, is when friends get put on them together. Friends shouldn't be put in romantic situations- especially when they're _just friends_," she emphasized the last part.

Ren caught on to what she was actually saying. "Oh, well, we're not on this ship for that reason..."

"Yet people put you on the ship regardless of whether or not you wanted to be in it with someone you know," Yang went on. "How rude, am I right?"

Nora didn't get what Yang was saying. "I guess... I mean, something awkward could happen, but people don't really care if you're on a ship with someone you like or don't like, so long as you get there."

Without even realizing it, Nora was contributing to the fire that was Yang Xiao Long. Ruby got up from her seat to intervene, but it seemed the situation was about to resolve itself.

"Don't worry, we won't be on this ship much longer," Lie Ren panicked, "right Nora?"

Nora pouted. "Are we jumping off the ship right now?"

"Yes, we must abort ship immediately," Ren said urgently, pulling Nora away from the crazy blonde girl. "We can ride a train to Beacon, don't worry!"

With that, Ren went out the emergency hatch as he promised to Yang he would never to get in a ship with Nora ever again. Nora meanwhile grinned deviously and broke a window, jumping out and sky diving towards the ground.

Ruby looked out the window Nora had gone out of, and then glared at Yang for causing damage to a perfectly fine ship. Yang simply shrugged.

"I was doing them a favor, stop fretting." Yang joined Ruby at the window, watching as the two students safely landed. "Trust me, those two didn't belong in a ship together."

"Yang," Ruby gave her older sister a disapproving look, "I think that girl actually wanted to be in the ship."

Yang snorted, "Well, she had no qualms about breaking that window!"

"That's because she's crazy," Ruby deadpanned.

Yang didn't appear to regret her decision however.

Seeing that this conversation wouldn't get them anywhere, Ruby chose to wander around instead. She wasn't sure if she would be safe in the same aircraft as her older sister, but she was more concerned about the other students. Hopefully they were safe from Yang's ship-destroying and item-stealing tendencies. Or... safe from Yang in general.

Nearby a blond teenager in basic armor and jeans was puking due to motion sickness. He almost missed the trash can, but managed to reach it in time as he started to make loud retching noises. Apologizing beside him was a girl with her red hair held high in a pony tail. Somewhat concerned yet reluctant to help, Ruby approached the couple.

"Is everything okay over here?" she asked.

At that moment, the airship suddenly shook, causing the trash can to fall over. The puke unfortunately spilled out with it. Ruby screamed and jumped into the arms of the random red haired lady to avoid contact. The trash can rolled across the floor, bumping into a student with gray and yellow armor. He shouted and upon realizing what had touched his foot, turned and narrowed his blue eyes at the (still) sick passenger.

"Sorry," Ruby apologized as she set herself down. "I didn't want to get puke on me..."

The young woman smiled understandingly. "It's okay, I may have done the same had I been in your position."

Deciding that she was definitely going to make friends with this person, Ruby struck up a conversation while Vomit Boy chased after the trashcan, and as Armored Asshat* chased after him in turn.

The two watched as a ridiculous chase scene took place. They weren't sure if they should help, but when the armored student got close to catching Vomit Boy, Ruby stuck out her leg to trip him and her new friend threw a spear following his slip to trap him against the wall.

"I'm sorry!" she called after poor (not really) Armored Asshat.

"You shouldn't say sorry to him; he's obviously a bully," came a voice from behind.

They turned to see a girl with long black hair and yellow eyes. Ruby nearly mistook the large bow on her head for cat ears, admittedly.

"Blake Belladonna," she introduced herself. "I saw how you two helped out the boy with motion sickness."

"Oh that's what it was?" the girl beside Ruby blinked. "I thought he was choking so I attempted to perform a Heimlich maneuver on him, but then I accidentally made him throw up his own lunch." She watched with guilt as said Vomit Boy reached the trash can at last. "I'm Pyrrha Nikos, by the way. Its a pleasure to make both of your acquaintances."

She briefly shook hands with Blake and Ruby out of common courtesy.

"I'm Ruby Rose," she felt obligated to give her name. Pyrrha was so polite that it was infectious. "So why did the ship shake earlier? Do either of you know-"

"Unbelievable!" came a shrill voice. "Do you have _any_ idea how dangerous Dust is? And do you have any idea how long it took for me to get that off of my clothes? Watch where you're going, stupid!"

They looked into the next room to see a white haired girl screaming at a really ugly guy with a green mohawk. She flicked her pony tail behind her and stormed off, leaving the room to enter theirs. She dragged her luggage behind her, all sixty-four cases of god knows what.

"Should I trip her?" Ruby asked quietly as the crabby white haired girl approached. "Is she a bully too?"

"Yes, you should definitely do that," Blake whispered back. She hid her face behind a book and pretended to act inconspicuous as Ruby then tripped the probably-bully.

The girl fell face first onto the ground, her suitcases tumbling on top of her and blocking the doorway so no one else could pass through. Her hand twitched from under the mountain of luggage. Cautiously, they all backed away.

As they backed away, someone else came forward.

"Yang?" Ruby observed as her sister crept up to the pile, snatched two random cases, and left.

_Great, she's stealing stuff again_, Ruby thought with a face palm. She hoped Yang wouldn't do that at Beacon.

"Ahh, okay, I'm better!" Vomit Boy called out. He glanced at Armored Asshat, who was still pinned to the wall and scared of Pyrrha. Not knowing this student had been chasing him for a good eight or so minutes, he merely shrugged, took the spear (the bully scrambled to get away, jumping out the already broken window to escape Pyrrha) and returned it to its owner.

"Thank you Jaune," Pyrrha smiled as she took back her weapon. "I trust you're not nauseous anymore?"

"I'm alright- I just... Threw up my entire lunch," he laughed nervously.

"I'm glad I was able to help." Pyrrha had no idea that helping was the exact opposite of what she had done.

"Yeah, Uh, help..." he began to scoot away from her, now standing as far as he could without offending her. "Speaking of helping, shouldn't we help Frosted Flakes** over there?" he gestured to the pile.

The girl with the suitcases tried to escape the mess she was trapped under. She gave up after a while though, figuring someone would give her a helping hand eventually.

"Jaune, think about what you just said there," Pyrrha sighed. "Frosted Flakes? Really?"

"Well... She has a snow flake symbol! Isn't that code for Frosted Flake cereal?"

They all laughed.

"Haha, so, why are we laughing?" he didn't get the joke.

"..." They didn't bother explaining it to him.

"I guess we should help her now-"

"Nope," Blake cut off Jaune. "Ms. Schnee can help herself."

"Well, we could offer to help," Ruby said. She was starting to feel bad.

"No, no. Trust me." Blake really didn't want them to assist Ms. Schnee. "Those suitcases are _her_ responsibility. We're doing her a favor."

That said, the group turned their backs to poor (again, not really) Frosted Flakes and all decided to awkwardly stare out the window in silence.

"Hey, isn't anyone going to help me?" called out Frosted Flakes. "I've fallen and I can't get up!"

They didn't help her. And they didn't call Life Alert, either.

However, they weren't even given a chance to (not) do those things. The ship was shaking again, and this time it wasn't because of any dust-related explosions.

"What's going on?" Frosted Flakes shouted from beneath her luggage. "Did Brussel Sprouts touch my dust again?"

"My name is Russel Thrush!" the student corrected her angrily.

"Wow, no one cares," Frosted Flakes was probably rolling her eyes.

The two continued to bicker as the ship shook. Ruby didn't listen much longer as she went to find her older sister. She didn't see Yang anywhere, and the absence of her presence made Ruby think that perhaps her sister was involved with this somehow.

Excusing herself from the group, Ruby went to go look for Yang. First she checked the bathroom; girls liked to go to the bathroom, right? She was probably there...

But as Ruby wandered to the ladies' bathroom, her new friends were approached by the very person she was searching for.

"Hey guys," she waved to catch their attention, turning off her Super Saiyan mode before they could notice. "Ruby went by herself to the bathroom! We ladies need to back her up!"

Upon hearing that a girl was alone in the bathroom without her friends, every girl including Frosted Flakes and her luggage plus Jaune scrambled to the ladies room to make sure such a tragedy did not occur. Because for whatever reason, girls were never supposed to go to the bathroom alone. Doing so was breaking some sort of social norm that young women around the world had established, and apparently everyone but Ruby was aware of this.

"Don't worry little girl, we got you covered!" Jaune shouted as he slid dramatically into the ladies room despite being a male. "Who hurt you, Ruby? We'll beat them up!"

"Do you need a tissue?" Pyrrha shoved Jaune aside, unintentionally pushing him into the wall and ruining his dramatic entrance. "I'm sorry!" she called over her shoulder, but she too was pushed along by the crowd of girls rushing to make sure that their fellow female was okay.

"Does she need a makeover?" Frosted Flakes called out, frantically scavenging her luggage for beauty products. "I have makeup!"

The young women swarmed Ruby, who had only gone into the bathroom to find her sister. Yang was satisfied with the state of things, and left to do something similar to the guys.

"Hey everyone!" she shouted to the remaining guys. "There's a nerd in the bathroom who needs a wedgie! You better get him quick before he escapes!"

The guys massed into a mob and surged into the men's bathroom to find to made-up nerd. Yang waited until they were gone before she made her way to where the pilots were.

"-yes, the ship is on fire!" the pilot was shouting into the communicator. "We're preparing to evacuate the students, but-"

"OH NO, LOOK OUT!" Yang screamed.

The staff ducked instinctively and Yang took her chance. She smashed the controls, making sure that there would be no way for anyone to pilot it.

_It's time for this ship to sink_, she smirked to herself in satisfaction as she ran off to join the other girls in the bathroom.

"Guys, the pilots are dead," she lied. "The ship is sinking and we need to get out of here!"

There was a moment of silence. Then:

"OH MY GOD WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!"

The loud screaming of the girls alerted the guys in the other nearby bathroom, causing mass panic as the air ship plummeted to the ground below. Yang however remained calm, preparing herself for impact.

She really hated ships. Especially when she was put in them with people she barely knew, or people she knew too well. It was even worse being in a ship with family! It wasn't just weird; it was wrong. For that reason, this ship had to burn both metaphorically _and_ physically.

She had no regrets.

Except when the air ship began to crash towards the nearby Emerald Forest. Ozpin, who had gone to water his precious coffee bean trees, screamed in terror as he saw the flaming ship coming his (and the coffee bean trees') way.

"Glynda, do something!" he shouted while jumping over his precious plants to protect them from harm. "Don't let that ship crash here!"

Glynda rolled her eyes. She didn't do anything.

"Peter! Peter Port!" Ozpin called for the rotund professor. "Do something!"

Peter chuckled heartily. "Sure thing, Professor!"

Unconcerned for the students' safety, Peter swung his Blunderaxe at the crashing ship, altering its trajectory entirely while ignoring the laws of physics. Supposedly the applied force of one measly axe was enough to effect and change the course of a mega-ton ship falling at its terminal velocity.

Ozpin sighed in relief as the ship crashed elsewhere, while students and staff jumped out windows before they could be finished off along with the aircraft. No harm was dealt to his precious coffee bean plants, it seemed. And he only had to keep this up for- what, three or four years? Then again, the plants were magical. Who knew how long it would take for them to grow and mature.

"Don't worry my beautiful coffee plants, I won't let the mean students hurt you," he whispered to the budding green plants. "And soon I will have my coffee..."

"Oh yes, didn't the entire city run out? There's been a thief sneaking about, stealing our caffeine," Peter interrupted Ozpin's delusional muttering. "It looks like you'll have to pull yourself together for the meanwhile, sir. We won't have coffee for the next two months!"

Two months.

Two.

_Months._

With no... coffee.

He was going to have to hunt down this madman (or possibly woman) himself. Someone had to give closure to those effected by these atrocities!

"Glynda, put the students through initiation right away," Ozpin told her as he got up from the ground. "I have to attend to something important now."

"But sir-" Glynda tried to voice her opinion.

Ozpin wasn't going to hear it. "I'll give my speech right now. I don't care if the students hear me or not; it's their decision whether or not to listen."

Glynda looked at the airship burning in the distance. The students were making their way towards them whether they knew it or not, but there was no way in the world they were going to hear Ozpin rambling from where they were. That meant she would have to recite the gist of his speech as soon as possible; she wasn't going to bother coming up with her own for when they got here. And she supposed they may as well begin the test...

She then directed her attention to the headmaster, who was suffering from coffee withdrawal and was completely out of his mind. He stood by the launching pads, giving his speech to students who weren't even there.

"I look among you, and all I see is wasted energy," Ozpin began. "Energy you could be using worshiping the coffee gods!" he snapped.

Glynda sighed. Someone needed to get that man some caffeine.

"You assume knowledge will free you of this, but you will find that you're all wrong and I'm right," Ozpin continued much to her embarrassment. "It is up to you to take the first step into the world of coffee. You must all get jobs harvesting my coffee bean plants and I expect fourteen tons of coffee beans on the doorstep to my office every morning, otherwise you're all useless. That is all."

Peter and Glynda watched in dismay as Ozpin ended his speech to complain about the non-existent students.

"Jeez, it's like they weren't even there!" he complained. Then he seemed to remember something, and rushed back on '_stage._' "Also the Emerald Forest floor is lava, so don't you dare touch those beautiful plants growing on the ground!"

With that, Ozpin left to go God-knows where. As he exited, the students emerged from the forest and stumbled across Glynda and Peter.

"Initiation time!" Glynda called out. "I hope you all have landing strategies!"

"Landing strategies?" the student Jaune Arc echoed as he stepped onto one of the launching pads.

Glynda didn't repeat herself. "Find the relics. Also, the floor is lava. Don't touch it, otherwise you will be expelled."

Jaune nervously looked at the Emerald Forest before them. Beside him, Pyrrha Nikos promised it would be okay and she would just pin him to a tree to prevent him from being kicked out of Beacon.

Ruby Rose, the girl from the interrogation, stepped onto one of the launching pads. Glynda shook her head and motioned for her to get off.

"No Ms. Rose, you will not be taking the test a second time." Because the first attempt resulted in Glynda nearly being burned alive by one Yang Xiao Long. She didn't want to imagine what might happen in a second test. "Get off the launching pad; we'll give you a different assignment."

"Can I help her?" Jaune questioned.

Glynda narrowed her eyes. "No."

She signaled for the launch-pad operator to activate Mr. Arc's pad, sending him flying helplessly into the sky.

Yang cracked her knuckles and stepped forward. "Can I help Ruby?" she asked 'innocently' as flames began to appear around her.

"... Yes, go ahead," Glynda was quick to give the bad-tempered blonde approval. "We'll just put you on your sister's team."

Yang rejoiced. "Hooray!"

Blake Belladonna and Weiss Schnee looked at Glynda hopefully. Feeling as if they might accuse her of playing favorites, Glynda allowed them to join the sisters on their new assignment.

As for everyone else, she launched them into the forest before they could ask. Problem solved. She glanced at her watch, wondering if it was break time.

"Uh- Ms. Goodwitch? Or Mrs?" Weiss cleared her throat.

Glynda was disappointed to find that it wasn't her break yet. "What?"

Weiss briefly surveyed her new teammates and tried not to grimace. "About our new assignment," she began, "what exactly are we supposed to do?"

Glynda pointed after the retreating back of Headmaster Ozpin. "Find that man some coffee."

"Oh," Weiss sighed in relief, "well that seems easy enough."

As the four left to begin their quest for coffee, Glynda felt no pity for them. She didn't tell the recently-formed team that they would have to travel to the next city over to find the requested beverage. No, she told them absolutely nothing.

It was about time that someone else understood her pain.

._.

*Armored Asshat = Cardin Winchester. It's his nickname on the RWBY forums.

**Frosted Flakes = That's a cereal, and Weiss's nickname instead of Snow Angel. Because if you ask me, it's funnier that way.

Brussel Sprouts= I haven't seen anyone call Russel Thrush this, but they totally should.

By the way. This is crack and I know so far the viewers don't have a problem with that, but I think I might need to elaborate more for future reference (or for anyone looking for pointers). Characters have a tendency to act OOC in parodies. When you're writing a parody, sometimes that's one of the main points, but the characters shouldn't act too immature or all the same (the only exception being if it is plot-relevant to your story). You have to balance character behavior but yes, you are allowed to point out their flaws obnoxiously. Same goes for plot holes but I think that's universally understood.

Next Chapter: Nora and Ren finally arrive at Beacon, Pyrrha and Jaune try to cheat during initiation, team CRDL almost gets expelled, and more! Let me know if you have any suggestions, comments, or feedback because I would love to hear what everyone has to say.


	4. Wait, Isn't That Phrase Trademarked?

Chapter Four: Just Do It!

Note: Dr. Bartholomew Oobleck is immediately placed on my top 5 favorite character list as of episode twelve. I don't care what anyone says, he's perfect. And also, "Just Do It" is the Nike (a shoe company) slogan. It does not belong to me.

._.

Lie Ren sighed as he and his best friend Nora were berated for arriving late to Initiation. They had aborted ship quickly after encountering a very intimidating woman, and instead took a train to Beacon. The train didn't take them very far though, and forced the two students to walk for the majority of the way to school.

Upon their late arrival, he realized he was wise in his decision to abandon ship. According to Glynda Goodwitch, the aircraft had inexplicably burst into flames and crash landed. Investigation was still under way, but Ren had a feeling that she knew who was responsible judging from the expression on her face as she spoke. She seemed frightened, making him uneasy. Who could possibly scare the highly competent Beacon Academy staff in such a way?

When he asked of the students (wondering if that blonde girl was dead), she reported that everyone had survived. However, the evacuated students were given an early start and were most likely already finished with their task. As he and Nora were three hours behind everyone else, he wondered why they were even _bothering_ with the test. It would be so much easier to make them partners and put them on some random team and be done. But no, they had to wander into a forest and fight monsters instead of some simple paperwork. Just how much did these people hate paperwork that they would rather try to kill their students, seriously!

Besides, didn't they know that forests were almost always populated by the Slenderman? (1) He hoped there weren't any students named Alex in there; if there was, everyone taking the test was guaranteed to die. As if battling monsters wasn't bad enough, they could potentially be stalked by a fourth-dimensional being wearing a black suit and a red tie. A fourth dimensional being that was very much capable of teleporting wherever it wanted to at any point in time, making it impossible to finish off.

"Your mission is to find the relics," Glynda was telling them. Ren looked up, having been busy thinking about how ridiculous this all was. He supposed he should listen now, but the Huntress kept her briefing short. "Do not touch the floor. Do not die," she instructed. "Good luck."

Ren raised his hand and shifted on his spot on top of a strange metal square randomly planted in the ground. He wondered what it was for and why he had to stand there. Beside him, Nora had blast herself off into the Emerald Forest alone before the mysterious red button in the distance could be pressed.

He didn't to ask what the red button was for; he soon found out.

"... Just get in there; I want to go home," Glynda growled.

He was then launched into the forest courtesy of the random metal square and a bright red button. As he left the ground, he heard Glynda muttering angrily to herself.

It was very apparent to Ren that she hated her job. In contrast to some people, however-

"Pchooooo!" Nora cheered as she went flying through the air. "Ren, this is SO much fun!" she gushed excitedly.

-_others_ were enjoying their tasks too much.

Ren sighed deeply. "Nora, I don't think this kind of Initiation is even legal."

Yes, he was fairly certain that the act of launching minors into deadly forests filled with dangerous monsters where they, the students, could potentially be killed was against the law. And he didn't recall seeing any of this being covered in the waiver they signed, either.

"But that's what makes it FUN!" Nora shouted, grabbing hold of the nearest tree branch to catch herself. With one arm, she twirled around the trunk of the tree as she stabilized her footing, waiting for him to land already.

Following Nora's example, Ren used a tree to prevent himself from making contact with the ground. Nora waited for him to do the twirl.

He didn't do the twirl.

Then Nora's bright blue eyes narrowed expectantly, her hand reaching for the weapon strapped onto her back.

Ren quickly did a twirl around the trunk of his tree while fearing for his life. This made Nora very happy, as her smile returned to her face.

"Do you think there are snakes on the ground? I want to battle a GIANT snake!" Nora cheered, throwing her arms in the air to emphasis her excitement. "I think it's weird they told us not to touch the ground! Do you think we can poke it maybe?"

He was certain the instructor had meant they shouldn't touch the ground because it was some sort of skill-assessing part of the test. Surely there was a logical reason.

With that in mind, Ren shook his head. "No," he said as he turned to face his partner. "It's probably just a challenge for the students."

Nora pouted. "Well that's boring! I was hoping we were playing the lava game maybe..."

To stop her from pouting too much, Ren suggested that perhaps there was a volcano nearby with actual lava. He promised her they would look for it, but only after they completed their mission.

Only they wouldn't actually go to look for a volcano because there weren't any that he knew of in the area. Hopefully she would forget about the promise.

"Okay!" Nora giggled. "That sounds like fun!"

-Meanwhile-

"Do you think we're allowed to use Google maps to find the relics?"

Pyrrha watched as her partner, Jaune Arc, took a seat on a tree branch and took out his iPhone. They had been wandering this area for the past three hours to no _a Vale_. She was beginning to become desperate, as this assignment was _Vytal_ to their grades. The situation was beginning to look very _Grimm_ for them. And also, she was getting very bored and bad puns were popping up in her head as she was given too much time to think about their circumstances.

Using an electronic device would qualify as breaking the rules, yet at her partner's inquiry she looked around to make sure no one would see them cheating. When she caught a bird looking, she launched her spear at it to prevent it from spreading the news.

"I'm sorry!" she called to the dead bird. She really didn't want to get caught for cheating. Hopefully no one would find its corpse suspiciously lying around; she didn't have time to dispose of the body. It wasn't like she was Dexter Morgan (2). "If you think that will work, then go ahead and try," she suggested to her partner. "I think it might be worth checking out at the very least."

Jaune nodded and checked his phone as he typed in their current address. "Emerald Forest, point A... Relics, point B..."

Quickly retrieving her spear, Pyrrha waited for the search results. That wasn't exactly a specific location or an actual identifiable address, but she didn't want to crush Jaune's dream entirely.

"Wow, it actually came up with something!" Jaune exclaimed as the results came up. "How convenient. I bet this totally isn't a trap devised by the staff at all."

_Somewhere outside of the forest and on the school grounds, every teacher simultaneously sneezed. _

"What do the directions say?" Pyrrha questioned, disbelieving that Google Maps was being useful for once.

Jaune looked at the instructions. "It says... Go down."

They looked at the ground.

"Jaune, I think that's a trap," she slowly voiced her opinion.

Her partner laughed awkwardly. "Nah, it couldn't be!"

Pyrrha thought he was being a little too optimistic. "One time I used Google Maps to test its efficiency. I plugged in the address of the home across the street where I lived, and the steps involved traveling through Alaska to get to Russia, and led me to China where I was supposed to dig a hole back to my destination," she informed him, "The trip would have taken me years by foot, as opposed to simply crossing the street and knocking on my neighbor's door."

It was true. Google maps wasn't reliable at all. Not for her, at least. Perhaps someone- an internet "troll"- had hacked the site and was sending out false information on purpose. She had never heard of these Alaska, Russia, or China places. Where were those areas in comparison to their current location, Vale? It's like those names had been taken from an alien planet, or came from some other time.

"We'll just get some other students to test it out for us," he dismissed her concern.

Despite the warning against touching the floor and the consequences for failure to abide by that rule, the pair was willing to trick other students into trying out the directions for them. And if it failed? Well, Darwinism.

After a bit of searching and stalking, the duo discovered a couple of familiar faces. Faces that _weren't_ mysteriously blacked out and void of any discernible details. As though the branches were monkey bars, these two swung from branch to branch to avoid making contact with the "lava." But it just made them look like fools, which they were.

From the ship, Armored Asshat and Brussel Sprouts were making their way back to base. They already had a relic (from what Pyrrha could see, it was a black chess piece) and were now taking their time in returning. She could hear them complaining about how long it had taken to find the site, and how there hadn't been any monsters at all, thus depriving them of any action.

"How are we going to convince them?" Jaune asked quietly. He frowned as the pair began to escape their sights, swinging their way tree branch by tree branch until they became small dots. "They look mean..."

Pyrrha smiled and gestured with her hand for her partner to follow close by. "Don't worry, I have an idea!"

By idea, she meant that she was going to do something that could possibly kick them out of the school for compromising the safety of their peers, but she was convinced for the most part she would be justified in her actions. Those two didn't seem like the nicest people around, and she could always claim she was aiming for a non-existant fly that just happened to be chasing after them. No, if anyone asked, she would say that she had been trying to save those strangers from their most dangerous enemy yet: the everyday, common fly.

She took aim with her weapon, and moments later, launched her spear at the one who had chased her partner around on the ship. Payback? No, but she had a feeling that she should inflict some damage before this person started to harass other students (such as Jaune, who was the perfect target for bullying).

The spear stopped right in front of him, causing him to panic as he recognized the weapon. Her shoulders sagged in disappointment; she hadn't meant to scare him. She had been aiming for his spine.

"Oh god she's back!" he screamed in a strangely high pitched voice, letting go of the branch and falling to the ground where there was a clearing. As he crashed face-first onto a rock and rolled off onto the floor, a girl with brown hair and bunny ears stumbled by and used him as a stepping stone, hopping back into the trees where there wasn't "lava."

As the bunny-eared girl skipped away, she looked back exactly where Pyrrha was and gave her a thumbs up as a thank you. Pyrrha allowed this witness to survive for the time being, but only for the following reasons:

One, she was just so darned adorable.

Two, murder was illegal.

Three, she used a student's body as a stepping stone. That was just..._ beautifully_ hilarious.

"Cardin, no!" Brussel Sprouts shouted after him.

Two other students appeared after the overly-dramatic fall. One of them was blue haired and the other had a light brown sort of bowl cut. Nothing about these people in particular caught her attention; their color schemes were rather dull. They also had relics, and appeared to already know the other two.

"Hey, we found a shortcut back," the blue one called to their fallen comrade. "Er- you don't think the staff can see us, do you?"

Brussel Sprouts considered that. "Well, I don't think they're watching..." he trailed off. "But the NSA is," he finished. (3)

Cardin was in fetal position on the floor, covering his head with his arms. He peeked out at the world through his fingers, and looked up at the group. "Is she gone?"

_No, I'm still here,_ Pyrrha thought. _And unfortunately so are you._

The three looked to where the spear had been, but found that it had disappeared. They couldn't see Pyrrha, who had reclaimed her weapon and was lingering close by to watch them from the shadows, or Jaune from their earlier position in the tree tops. Assuming the threat had passed, they assured the terrified bully that the scene was safe.

But the scene wasn't safe. An alarm began to blare, and Cardin hurried to climb up a tree to join the others. The group hightailed it out of there as fast as they could, unknowingly leaving Pyrrha and Jaune behind. Not wanting to possibly be found and kicked out of the school, they too left and went in the direction the other students had come from.

Knowing that the staff (and the NSA) were indeed watching, they discarded their Google Map strategy. It wasn't like Google was very trustworthy at any given point in time; it probably would have given them the longer route as Pyrrha warned it would, if it hadn't already been clearly sabotaged by the instructors or whoever would have any reason to do such a thing.

Overhead (further overhead than they were in relation to the ground) they watched as a pink flash rustled the tops of the trees. Seconds later, a student in green could be seen trailing at a much slower, non-sugar effected rate.

"Should we follow them instead?" Jaune asked, glancing to her for her thoughts.

As they had no idea where the four students from before actually came from, they decided that yes, they should follow these people.

While they tailed the pink and green students, Pyrrha began to wonder where the Grimm had gone. Since they had arrived in the forest, they hadn't encountered so much as a single enemy. Maybe they were also playing the lava game?

No that was silly. How and why would the Grimm ever do something like that? She cast the notion aside, looking ahead at the green and pink students. A sudden wind brushed by, causing her to shut her eyes and nearly crash into a tree. She made sure to stay balanced, grabbing onto Jaune to prevent him from losing his footing (which he almost did).

When she opened her eyes, she saw a second green flash up ahead. The figure was too blurry to see, but she could make out a few details. The person was male, and didn't appear to be a student based off of his height and work clothing.

"Oh god," Jaune yelped as he stabilized himself where he stood. "What the heck was _that?_"

"JUST DO IT!" the male with a strange accent up ahead shouted, suddenly on top of a tree in a dramatic pose. Pyrrha took a good look at him; the green from before was his spiked hair, and he was indeed a worker here. She could see an ID attached to the lanyard around his neck, and a yellow tie on a shirt he barely bothered to tuck in. His glasses glinted against the sun's glare, making him appear to be even more of a nut job as he spun in place, snapping his fingers as he struck another exaggerated pose. "Just do it," he repeated, adjusting the glasses on his face as he slowly moonwalked off the stage he created, disappearing into the forest in a green flash.

The students up ahead had ceased their mission to watch this strange man. Confused, they made eye contact with Pyrrha and Jaune in hopes that they would be able to explain what they just saw.

"... Did he just steal the_ Nike_ slogan?" Jaune exclaimed after several moments of stunned silence.

There was another green flash, sending leaves flying everywhere.

"Just do it," the teacher answered cryptically from behind them, retreating into the plant life while performing further ridiculous 80s dance moves. "Just do it," he said again, never once breaking eye contact as he grabbed a twig and used it to "hide" his face.

Pyrrha figured this was how the teachers were monitoring them. It made sense to send in someone abnormally quick on his feet, but was it really necessary to bring in the guy who was obviously insane? They could have just set up cameras or anything else, really.

Since this guy wasn't going to leave any time soon, Pyrrha chose to ignore him while she approached the other two students. She may as well try and see if she could create some sort of temporary alliance until they reached the site of the relics.

"Hello," she greeted the pair. "Do you know by any chance where the relic site is?"

The two shared a look.

"No clue!" the pink haired girl told her.

_Well, so much for following them,_ Pyrrha thought.

"That's okay," she tried not to let her exasperation show. This assignment was starting to get really annoying and boring. "We can try and find it together."

_Because honestly, I have no idea how to even get out of here._ She kept her inner commentary to herself while the others considered her offer.

"Ren," the girl addressed her partner, "let's go find that volcano now!"

Ren froze in place. "Uhh... Nora," he slowly spoke, "About that volcano..."

"_Just do it,_" the weird teacher whispered.

The four actually began to consider ditching their mission to search for the non-existant volcano instead.

"Just do it?" Pyrrha tiredly proposed.

Nora grinned.

"JUST DO IT!" she shouted the not-so new and copyrighted slogan.

Rather than doing their original task, the four students were quick to change their goal on the overly dramatic teacher's recommendation. They went to go look for the volcano. By the end of the day, it turned out that the students Armored Asshat, Brussel Sprouts, Sky Fart, and Dove Soap were the only ones to actually complete the mission.

._.

1) If you're unfamiliar with Slenderman, look him up on Know Your Meme. You'll get a much better description of him there than you will from me xD

2) In a nutshell, Dexter Morgan is a sociopathic serial killer who targets and murders other serial killers. He's fictional of course, but if he were real, Andrew Hussie might want to consider stop killing (double and sometimes even triple killing) his characters on every single page of Homestuck.

3) NSA: National Security Agency. They are always watching and listening. In fact, they're watching you right now! Even if you're singing in the shower or sitting on the toilet with a newspaper. With the fact that they're _always observing_ in mind, have fun sleeping at night if you're a nudist :)

Next Chapter: Ozpin robs a coffee shop without a hitch, Weiss is a snitch, Glynda is a witch, and Roman unicycles his way into a ditch. Also, the shopkeeper returns and he plans to get rich. Because according to a spell-check glitch, our favorite orange-haired criminal is now a b... right green leprechaun.

What?

What did you think I was going to say? :/


	5. He's Magically Devious!

Note: This chapter gets long. Be prepared for a lot text up ahead. But because this chapter involves the color green, I wasn't allowed to get creative with it.

Reference anyone?

._.

After getting lost sixteen times within Vale, Professor Ozpin managed to return to his office at last. He had no clue where he had been for the past few days; in fact, he had blanked out for the majority of his absence. Though he was pretty sure he had wandered through some Red Light district some time along the way. When he had found his way back to Beacon and realized that he miraculously survived for more than an hour without coffee (this surprised him- who knew such a feat was even possible?), he had found himself in the possession of several phone cards with distasteful lipstick kiss marks right next to names such as "Madam 'Le Brest'" and "Candy" and "Chastity."

Like any other sane man would, he bunched up these cards and threw them in the trash where they belonged. Who needed hookers when there was coffee? Everything that wasn't coffee or coffee-related was useless.

At that thought, Ozpin remembered that he had no more coffee and paused in his work. Then he looked down at his desk where an overwhelming amount of paperwork had piled up in his leave.

The majority of the papers involved the students who were now attending his school. He still had to do that stupid speech in the auditorium where he announced the teams. But technically, he didn't have to do the speech because the initiation wasn't really over yet; eight (minus one, as the student had already gone through the Emerald Forest) of the students had not finished their tasks, which... weren't _actually_ part of the original mission. It was more like Glynda had given four of them some pointless quest that would never be accomplished, and then not cared as the other four students just did their own thing because they were bored. But whatever Glynda did it was probably because she didn't want to have to deal with the paperwork involved until later.

He understood that. He too hated paperwork; it was the very bane of his existence. Some times he pretended that he was a carrot in the kitchen pantry just so he could delay signing paper after paper. Once he managed to stake out in some cabinet as a "potato" for two days straight, feasting off of the food within until he was discovered by a very angry chef.

That definitely hadn't been a good day. Not only had he been yelled at by the chef, but in the two days he ditched work a lot of stuff happened. It just so happened that of all days, the students finally revolted against the teaching method at Beacon as it had been (amongst the student body) unanimously agreed upon as unorthodox and dangerous. That had forced Ozpin to put an end to the "anything can happen so be prepared" thing he had going on.

What a shame. It had seemed like the most effective way to ready his students for the real world. Even if the students had been scared out of their minds as their classmates were ejected from their classrooms to go blasting off into outer space by the rockets he had installed underneath the seats, even if there had been several lawsuits filed against the school by the students who were attacked by rabid animals during passing periods, and even_ if _Ozpin himself pushed a couple of students out of aircrafts at 30,000 feet in the air, he was trying to help them! And what does he get in return? He was given a room full of paperwork and a mob outside of the school demanding either his head or his money.

The memories of that terrible week were enough to piss him off to the point where he snapped. Without even thinking of the consequences, he shoved all of the paper off of his desk and flipped over his desk. He didn't care; there was no coffee! There was no reason to do anything. His students complained about him, the staff he employed were probably plotting to kill him (likely harboring a murderous hate for him right after their so-called trust), and also his dentist had advised that he put an end to his drinking. Everything sucked. He should go to the nearest bar like any other man under extreme stress, and proceed to get high on caffeine if there was any left. Because if he didn't, he was afraid he might do something crazy while sober. And not the good and or hilarious kind of crazy.

Thus the headmaster went on strike. He shoved the table into the corner to create a fort of protection, stepping behind the barricade as he pretended he was in a place that actually had caffeine. He tried to picture himself with a mug in his hand, and that he could smell the drink just inches away from his face. However it was difficult to imagine such a scenario when there was no more coffee in the region. And what little was left, according to Peter Port, was quickly running out.

So screw work! If there was no motivation, there was no progress. He refused to do his job any longer. Ozpin may as well become a criminal and go rob the nearby Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts if this was how things were going to be.

As he considered actually doing so, the door to his office creaked open. A sluggish and extremely exhausted teacher by the name of Bartholomew Oobleck stuck his head through the opening to catch his attention. Seconds later after making himself known, he cut straight to the chase by showing his employer an empty coffee mug.

"Just do it," he weakly moaned.

_Finally, a reason that will justify me robbing a coffee shop!_ Ozpin was suddenly grateful that he hired a teacher whose life literally depended on the caffeine he drank.

"Well, it looks I have no choice," Ozpin nodded to himself wisely as he stood up from his fort of protection. The supply closet door was missing (the wood had been used to board the windows earlier), so he walked straight into the small room to retrieve his deadly firearms and ammunition. Pulling a ski mask over his face, he adjusted his grip on his gun and patted poor Bartholomew on the back as he exited. "Don't worry Dr. Oobleck, I'll get you your coffee. It may possibly land me a minimum of five years in jail for armed robbery or possibly a life sentence depending on the charges, but I'm not too familiar with the justice system in Vale so I don't know." He paused at that. "Wait, do we even _have_ a judicial system here?"

Dr. Oobleck slumped against the wall, and by the time he was on the floor he had curled up into fetal position due to violent coffee withdrawal. Feeling bad for his employee, Ozpin decided to take him with on the hunt. Since he was already carrying dangerous firearms and other contraband that could get him very easily arrested if discovered, he was forced to drag Bartholomew by his ankles across the hallway and down several sets of painful stairs.

He may as well bring the man with. The sooner he got his fellow addict his coffee fix, the better for everyone. And by everyone he meant no one. Because screw everyone; they were all mean to him anyways.

._.

Ruby found herself standing in line to a popular and equally crowded cafe. Standing in line with her were Blake Belladonna and Weiss Schnee, her new teammates and somewhat friends. Yang would have been with her to help her with the awkward silence between them, but her sister had claimed she had to go do something more productive. Dismissing the lie because she would have _probably _done the same if she could, Ruby stayed with these two completely opposite girls.

The girl with the white hair tied in a sideways ponytail was stuck-up, a perfectionist, and Heiress to the Frosted Flakes Company (whatever it was called). She spent more time filing her nails than she did trying to strike a conversation with either Ruby or the other girl.

The other girl, the one with long black hair and a large bow, was very quiet. Occasionally she would glance up with her yellow eyes from her book (the title read: _Ninjas of Love_. Was that... was Blake reading a _smut?_) to see if the line was moving, but otherwise she didn't care for even small talk.

If it weren't for the mission they had been assigned, none of them would even be in the same room as each other. Ruby grimaced after yet another failed attempt at team-building. She had tried to ask if they could see the menu from where they stood, which was actually outside the cafe. Ever since that thief started running around the city and for whatever reason chose to steal everyone's coffee, places like Starbucks and Dunkin Donuts had become crowded as citizens gathered to get their morning joe.

But as the consumer demand increased, so did the price of their favorite beverages. This didn't effect Ruby so she was unable to relate to everyone else. She drank milk in the mornings and ate a plate full of cookies, but that was just her. She didn't see what the problem here was. Couldn't these people just wait the two months and try to apprehend the culprit in the meantime?

With a sigh, Ruby sat down on the sidewalk where the line formed outside of the cafe. Her teammates looked at her and then through the windows. Inside, the workers were all on their phones texting and taking selfies. It was clear that they weren't going to be getting in any time soon. The team- minus Yang- sat down together on the curb.

"This sucks," Weiss spoke at last. "We're never going to get that coffee!"

Blake set down her book to respond, closing it without caring about bookmarking the page. "There isn't even anything entertaining to do here. Why are we doing this again?"

Weiss glanced at the cover of Blake's reading material. "You have a book," she frowned, "how can you possibly get bored?"

"Well," she broke eye contact nervously, her face turning slightly red. "It's... not as good as the book I read on my way here."

Ruby saw a chance to immerse herself into the conversation and took her chance.

"What were you reading?" she questioned before the topic could change. "I saw you finish that book really quick on the way here and I was wondering if it was good."

She also had no idea where the aforementioned book had gone off to. Their luggage had supposedly been taken care of by Beacon staff and transported to their dorms, leaving them empty-handed for the most part. Maybe Blake had concealed the book using the bow in her hair; as silly as it was, that... was really one big hair ornament. It had to be hiding something.

Or maybe it was just a really big bow. Ruby didn't know; was this important? If anything was questionable about Blake, it was her amber/yellow eyes. Was that normal? Then again, Yang had purple eyes, so maybe it was. People had really weird eye colors around here. Also, that _Ninjas of Love_ book. Was it, or was it not a smut? Ruby was starting to become curious.

"It was about a man with two souls in his body," Blake answered, fixing the bow on her head when she saw Ruby staring at it. "Basically, he's batshit crazy."

"EVERYONE, MOVE THE **** OUT OF MY WAY!" shouted a male voice further down the street. The crowd began to part according to the order, and anyone who didn't comply was shoved into the busy road where cars screeched to a halt to avoid hitting the victims of the psychopath.

"Like that?" Weiss asked as another poor unfortunate soul was pushed to the side and nearly killed.

"Yes," Blake nodded, "like that."

At that moment a man passed by, dragging a body by the ankles behind him. The trio watched this person quickly pull on a ski mask while complaining about how hot it was, catching glimpse of short and familiar silver hair. Ruby got up, recognizing the man as he shoved his way through the crowd and stormed into the same establishment they were waiting to enter. The body he dragged across the floor followed him in, bumping against the corner of the doorway several times before getting in.

Uh oh, Ruby thought. What was the headmaster doing with a dead body? Did something happen? She left her new teammates in line outside as she went after him. They went back to whatever they had been doing before as soon as she left. Through her peripheral vision she could see Blake return to reading and Weiss painting her nails. Ruby snorted and rolled her eyes. Typical.

By the time she got past the civilians and stepped inside the crowded cafe, it was too late for her to prevent the deranged and coffee-deprived headmaster of Beacon Academy from announcing his presence by firing his gun at the ceiling.

"Oh my god," Ruby felt her jaw nearly drop. It was official; Ozpin was crazy and she didn't want to go to his school anymore.

Pretending that she wasn't there, Ruby pulled up her hood and started to text someone-anyone for help.

_Hey Yang there's stuff to steal come quick, _she lied and sent the message. That would surely have her running back over. To be safe, she texted that guy from the airship. Hopefully he could get his team (if he formed one yet) to come with and help her out of this.

_Jaune are you busy? _she asked. Like all other teenagers at any given point in time, chances were that his phone was in his hands already.

Seconds later Jaune the Vomit Boy texted back._ No but what's up_

At the front, Ozpin pointed his gun at the employee behind the counter. "WHERE THE **** IS THE COFFEE?" he roared, dropping the body of the person he had been dragging around. "WELL?"

_The headmaster just snapped and he's robbing the cafe I'm in. He looks like he's about to explode. pls help, _she requested, and put her phone away. Even though she didn't want to do this, she had to stop Ozpin before he harmed anyone, like that guy with the green hair who was lying on the ground. He had dragged himself over to the corner to die peacefully.

Ruby wasn't actually sure if Ozpin had been responsible for that. But whatever the case he was involved somehow, and she had to stop him.

There was only one way to do this. Ruby snuck around the customers who weren't paying attention to the crime at hand. They seemed unconcerned, all too occupied with their mobile devices. Even the employee at the front wasn't paying much attention to Ozpin, despite the threat that he posed. It was up to her to let them know of the danger they were in.

As Ozpin fired at the wall, demanding coffee but not getting any, Ruby made sure to remain undetected. And then, when he let down his guard, Ruby tackled him down while shouting "Look out, it's a bee! A really BIG bee!"

The occupants of the room fell dead silent the moment they heard the word "bee." Customers ceased what they were doing on their phones immediately, eyes widened before chaos erupted.

"OH THE HUMANITY!" someone screamed, "WE HAVE A PERVERT IN HERE!"

"A pervert?" Ruby echoed. She got off of the professor's back and stood, looking for the supposed "pervert" She didn't see anyone with their pants or tops removed. But she did see a teenager who had his pants down way too low, exposing his boxers underneath. Maybe they were panicking because of the guy with saggy pants.

Whether he was the cause or not, the customers and employees all rushed the nearest exit. They began trampling each other in the process. Ruby wondered why they were so panicked over a pervert.

Weiss and Blake, having heard the commotion and finally decided to do something about it, crashed through the cafe's window to help.

"Hey, what's going on in here?" Weiss called over to Ruby, who was asking Mr. Saggy Pants to pull up his jeans.

Ruby glared.

"Okay, let me get this straight," her eyes narrowed and behind her, Mr. Saggy Pants evacuated the establishment. On the floor, Ozpin had snuck around the counter and was raiding the cabinets for coffee. She ignored him for the moment so she could berate her teammates for not doing anything this entire time. "While the headmaster was firing his gun, you two sit outside and don't even bother to- I don't know, call the police like any _sensible _person would do when they hear gunshots?"

Guiltily, Weiss broke eye contact and Blake pretended not to hear what Ruby was saying. Not done yet, the youngest of the group went further on her tangent.

As Ruby did exactly that, Weiss began to whisper over to Blake. "So what was all that commotion about a really big D?" *

Blake shrugged. "I think it was some sort of misunderstanding."

Weiss let the subject go and looked over to Ozpin, who had taken off his ski mask and was filling it with the coffee beans he discovered. She took out her phone, considering dialing the police.

"Do you think we'll be expelled if we report him?" she asked. "I mean, he is the headmaster..."

"No I'm not," Ozpin lied, pulling the coffee-bean filled ski mask over his head to conceal his identity. "I'm not Professor Ozpin."

"Yes you are," Weiss said dryly.

"Nu-uh," he continued with his charade, "my name is Roman Torchwick, and I'm a very dangerous criminal. Don't approach me, because I might randomly throw an explosive at you and miss like I did in the first episode!"

The two girls watched as Professor Ozpin went back to stealing from the coffee shop, ignoring his students' presence. They had no idea what he meant by "first episode" but they assumed that was just him going crazy. A few feet away Ruby had gone red in the face, equally crazy and out of character. They began to wonder just what the hell was going on in Vale for everyone to suddenly lose their sanity.

"Doesn't Torchwick have orange hair?" Blake folded her arms, unimpressed with Ozpin's imitation of the villain.

"Nonsense, you can't see my hair!" Ozpin fixed the mask on his head, precious coffee beans spilling out and onto the floor. "Now leave me be, I have to empty this store of all its caffeine- I mean DUST. Or candy." He thought about this as he filled a bag with store products, even grabbing the small treats at the register. "I forgot that I have to stay in-character when I'm LARPing. Yes, this is Dust and not coffee."

"Wait-" Blake was suddenly confused. "So are you doing Live Action Role Play, or are you actually going crazy from coffee withdrawal and are trying to avoid getting arrested?"

Ozpin didn't answer that.

Meanwhile Ruby had fainted, completely stressed out by the madness condensed into this one small cafe. Seeing that this had gone on for too long, Weiss made up her mind and reported Ozpin to the police. She motioned for Blake to make sure that the girl with the red cape was still breathing.

After reporting this incident and on-going robbery to the proper authorities, Weiss ended the call and looked disapprovingly at the headmaster.

"I hope this was worth it, sir," she said as he went on with his robbery. "If you ask me, coffee isn't even that great."

"Blasphemy!" Ozpin cried from behind the counter. "Ms. Schnee, that is three weeks worth of detention!"

Weiss's eyes widened as surprise and then confusion crossed her face. "What? Why?" She was shocked by the professor's reaction to such a simple opinion. Just how bad was this man addicted to caffeine?

"Coffee isn't just a beverage," Ozpin told her. "It is a way of life- MY way of life, and you just insulted it!" he pointed at her accusingly. He stepped over the counter and marched to the broken window. "Also, you ratted me out to the authorities," he explained. He turned to the broken window and shouted out into the streets: "Everyone, what do we say about snitches?"

Unanimously they answered, "Snitches are bitches who get stitches."

Weiss didn't deign to respond to that. Close by, Blake had picked up Ruby and was carrying the passed out girl on her back.

"Let's just wait outside," she pinched the bridge of her nose, too exhausted to deal with everyone else's nonsense right now. "The police will take care of things from here."

With that, Weiss went out the door with Blake and Ruby, choosing to sit back down on the curb while they waited for things to be sorted out. She wasn't worried about the headmaster hurting anyone, and neglected normal lockdown procedures that required them to get to a safer place instead of lingering by the danger zone. Logic and security be _damned_.

The blonde huntress from the initiation arrived at the store to solve the problem about fifteen minutes later. Weiss sighed as Glynda Goodwitch started shouting at Ozpin to pull himself together, as Ozpin insisted that he was in fact Roman Torchwick.

Bored and wanting to get on with her life, Weiss tried to distract herself with her own thoughts in the mean time. What exactly would she have to do for detention, anyways? Being a near-perfect student, she had never even been to a detention in her life before. She hoped this three-week punishment wouldn't be too bad.

And then the girl with the tendency to set on fire came back. What was her name- Yang? She waved with an expression almost too cheerful, a group of four students trailing behind her. She recognized most of them from the airship on the way to Beacon.

"Woah, looks like things got out of control here!" Yang whistled, looking at the broken window with a grimace as Glynda shouted at Ozpin from inside. "So where is the loot?"

"Inside," Blake pointed at the cafe. "You'll have to fight the headmaster for the goods, though."

"Oh," Yang said. "Well..." she looked back at the group following her. "You guys said Ruby needed help? What was that about?" she addressed the young man with blond hair and blue eyes. "Jaune, you got a text from her right?"

"Yeah," Jaune clarified, showing her the text to prove his claim. "It looks like she's fine now though," he nodded at Ruby, who was sleeping on Blake's back comfortably. "Oh- and thanks for helping us get out of that forest by the way! I thought we would never get out."

Yang smiled as Blake and Weiss looked on in disbelief. They found it hard to believe that Yang had actually been doing something productive; they had just assumed she was just ditching.

"No problem," Yang told the four. "I was over there anyways because I was, uh-" she stopped herself. "Well, I was getting a change of clothes!" she began to laugh nervously. "I wasn't doing anything suspicious at all."

Weiss was about to say that everything about that last statement was eyebrow-raising, but a body went flying out of the already-broken store window. Ozpin managed to land safely with a large amount of stolen coffee products crammed into a bag he was carrying. The door flung open and Glynda came out (being passed by a familiar green flash), but she was too late as the headmaster of Beacon Academy had made his escape by foot. She tore off her cape and stomped on it petulantly, ready to tear off all of her hair as Professor Ozpin disappeared.

The eight (minus one) students shared a look, and silently agreed that it was best to leave Glynda on her own.

"So," Yang drawled to the other team, "you guys said you were looking for a volcano?..."

._.

"No, I am NOT looking for or interested in buying a green hat or suit!" Roman Torchwick angrily growled into his cellphone. "Stop calling me and asking stupid questions! I don't have any money anyways."

On the other end, the caller attempted to convince him to buy regardless. "Look, we have really good deals! We can figure out something that works with your budget." There was a pause, and then: "We can also give you a leprechaun's discount-"

"Junior, for the LAST time, I am NOT A LEPRECHAUN!" Roman shouted into the receiver. "Why does everyone call me that? Is it because my hair is orange and I wear a funny hat?"

"Hey, don't ask me," Junior tried to steer away from the subject, "I don't know _Jack_." **

Roman paused, staring at his map of Vale while he tried to calm himself down. But something about that last few words sounded funny. "What did you say?" he narrowed his eyes, "You just said something... _funny _just then. Was that a joke?"

"No, not at all!" Junior defended himself. "It's just an expression. I think you need to relax."

"I think that I should hang up right now," Roman snapped, "Goodbye."

And so he did.

Now without anything to do, Roman sat down at his desk and continued to stare at the map hung up on the wall. Then he grabbed a marker from his desk and began to doodle on the map, but that wasn't enough.

God he was bored. Wasn't there anything to do around here?

He stared at the paper for a long time, arms crossed with a blank expression on his face. Then he remembered that there was indeed something that he could do that was both fun and useful.

Briefly leaving the room to go find his intended source of entertainment, Roman searched for those darts he bought a while ago. When he did find them, he returned to the planning room to begin playing.

Since normal darts was no fun, he kept a hand over his eyes and took aim. The first one that hit the map would be his next target. There were just so many places to cause hell, and so little time. So why not just pick a random target and hope it wasn't in the middle of the ocean?

Opening his eyes, he found that the dart had actually landed in a body of water. He tried a second time without restricting his vision.

Somehow the dart completely missed the map and went flying out of a window. Roman didn't know how that had happened, but he blamed it on a gust of wind that he didn't feel. Yes, although the windows and doors had all been closed at the time, it must have been the air. Or maybe it was a ghost? No, that didn't make sense. Neither of those explanations made sense. His aiming was just rusty.

He tried a third time. Third was the charm, surely.

But as though the laws of physics were no longer in effect, the third dart strayed from its original path halfway to its destination and shot up towards the ceiling. The dart broke one of the dim lights illuminating the room, sending glass falling to the floor.

_Curse you Isaac Newton!_ _Your first law of motion is useless!_ He thought as he pocketed the defective darts. Weren't objects supposed to resist changes in motion unless acted upon by outside forces?

At any rate, Roman didn't launch a fourth dart. He approached the map because apparently science was broken today. Quickly choosing his target by a game of eeny meeny miny moe (or however the hell it was spelled), his finger stopped again on the the ocean.

"This place is possessed," he deadpanned, and at last gave up with his scheming for the day. He was about to leave the room, but saw that the window from earlier was wide open. He didn't recall opening or having any visitors.

"_Ergo draco maledicte et omnis legio diabolica adjuramus te..._"

Oh no.

"_... cessa decipere humanas creaturas, eisque aeternae Perditionis venenum propinare! -_"

Oh** hell **no.

Was that crazy old shopkeeper still following him? Roman looked around and saw lines of salt on the ledges of the window and at the door. He swore and reclaimed the darts from the map, ready to use them for self defense if it came down to it.

Knowing it was only a matter of time before the old man caught up with him, Roman abandoned the planning room to make his escape. He headed towards the garage, hoping that there was at least one decent vehicle left for him to use.

He glanced over his shoulder several times, swearing that he could hear the chanting following behind him. There was no one in the hallway behind him, but the voice seemed to be getting louder.

Hurrying to make his getaway, he didn't bother to lock the door he entered through. But as he flipped the nearby light switch, he saw that the garage was empty. There were no escape vehicles left.

"_Vade, Satana, inventor et magister omnis fallaciae, hostis humanae salutis!_"

No no no, there had to be something in here he could use to get away from this insufferable prick. He desperately rummaged through the boxes packed along the walls, looking for anything that could help.

He found just that one thing in the very corner, covered with cobwebs and pushed against the wall by other boxes as if someone had tried to hide it. In his panic, he grabbed the object despite understanding why someone would try to do such a thing.

As the source of the shouting came closer, Roman Torchwick swore and opened the garage door.

He was going to regret this.

._.

"That was one nice volcano," Nora giggled as the group of eight wandered the streets of Vale. "I liked the part where it exploded and killed all of the dinosaurs!" she cheered, being the only one of her peers who was energetic at this time.

"Nora," Ren spoke up, "that wasn't..." he didn't bother finishing that correction, too tired to go on.

He would have said that the "dinosaurs" were actually the Grimm, and that only one had died. It hadn't even died because of the volcano; Nora had pushed it in and watched it burn to death, much to everyone else's horror.

At least they had found the volcano by the end of the day. They hadn't even known there were any in the area, but lo and behold: a volcano just a little far off from Vale. Having found the volcano, Pyrrha, Jaune, Nora and Ren declared their mission over. Ever since, the other four had followed them around but none of them bothered to return to Beacon.

Ruby had woken up a little after they arrived back in the city. As she was more awake than the others, she continued the conversation. "It sounds like you guys had one heck of an adventure while I was out."

The others trailed behind them sluggishly. They were all worn out, despite having (on Nora's suggestion) hijacked a vehicle and returned by car instead of foot. That had been two hours ago, but they had spent the time since walking around with no direction or purpose. Ruby felt a little bad for them and considered finding a place to rest, but it was getting late and she didn't know if these people even lived in this area.

She considered asking if they wanted to crash at one of their places, or if they should just go to the school and get it over with already. As it had been a few days since Initiation began, surely everyone else had formed their teams and were attending classes already. She didn't know how those things worked so she assumed that was the case.

Before she could ask however, they began to hear angry shouting further down the street. Nora stopped giggling and shared a look with Ruby, unsure if they should check it out. Their friends and teammates meanwhile shuffled behind as though they were the undead, and seemed to not notice the disturbance.

"Should we see if we can help?" Ruby frowned and tried to see past the crowd. The shouting was unintelligible from where they were, but it sure was loud.

Nora thought about it. "Maybe!" she shrugged. "We will get candy if we do?"

Ren looked like he wanted to say something, but was too exhausted to speak. Ruby would have translated for him, but she wasn't psychic nor could she read his expression very well.

Up ahead, the crowd suddenly parted to make way for something that the group wasn't prepared for.

"What- what is that?" Jaune exclaimed, terrified.

What_ "that"_ was, was a man on a unicycle. He wasn't just any man- no, he was the nefarious criminal Roman Torchwick.

And he, Roman Torchwick, was riding a unicycle.

Pyrrha, being the protective one of the group, grabbed her nearest friends and covered their eyes. Jaune and Ruby were covered by her as she then threw her shield to Yang, shouting, "Don't make eye contact with him, children, you'll catch his stupidity!" As she pulled both Jaune and Ruby closer to her for their own good, Yang hid behind Pyrrha's shield to avoid looking at the madman. "You are both too precious for this world to by scarred by such sights," she said almost too dramatically.

Nora tilted her head as she watched an old man come along, immediately identifying him as the source of the shouting. The two took their chase out into the streets with Roman unicycling away, while the pursuer chanted latin verses and sprinkled holy water at him.

"What's he doing?" she pointed at the unicycling criminal.

"Ren!" Pyrrha shouted to catch said student's attention. "Protect your childhood sweetheart's vision from this terror- I only have two hands!"

Ren did so and addressed Nora's earlier inquiry. "Don't look, Nora, it's just a drunk man. We don't want him setting bad examples for the younger generations."

As this occurred, Weiss rolled her eyes and Blake was already looking away. The two pretended that this wasn't a thing that was happening, and proceeded to do their own things while they waited for the farce to end.

Roman Torchwick dodged several vehicles in the streets while trying to stay balanced on his unicycle. The cars all tried to move around him, but then Yang walked into the middle of the street and caused further mayhem on the road. She snuck up on the criminal using Pyrrha's shield, and when she got close enough, she kicked the unicycle out from under him and stole it.

Yang ran off with the loot, and Roman stumbled as he got up. The old man was closing in on him, and he scrambled to get away, accidentally falling into a bush in his failed escape.

The group observed Roman as he swore repeatedly. However, he paused in getting back to his feet, freezing as he noticed something ahead of him.

"The hell?" they heard him blurt out, "What are _you_ doing here?"

Curious, they jaywalked across the street and caused several collisions so they could see who Roman was staring at with such disgust. The old man had stopped as well, surveying the scene and unsure of what to do, probably due to the newcomer.

Hiding within the bushes was none other than Professor Ozpin. The students- save for Jaune and Ruby, as Pyrrha still covered their eyes with her hands- all fell silent, looking down at the man who was trying to hide several small and uprooted plants.

Ozpin shifted in place from where he was trying to remain concealed within the bushes, and coughed into his elbow as everyone stared at him. "Well, this is awkward."

"Why is the headmaster of Beacon Academy sneaking around this late?" the old man questioned what they were all wondering.

"Who?" Ozpin gathered the small plants into his arms and stood, stepping over the bush as he backed away. "I don't know who you're talking about."

Roman stared at the plants. "And why are you uprooting innocent plant life?"

"No reason!" Ozpin lied, hiding behind a tree. "Move on with your lives, everyone, there's nothing to see here..."

Clearly something was up though. Ruby was the one to press for further information, even as she tried to remove Pyrrha's hand from her face.

"Professor Ozpin, are you taking my coffee bean trees again? Because I already walked through the Emerald Forest and planted them for you..."

"Wait-" Ren cut in, "_again?_"

Ruby nodded, and Ren looked between her and the headmaster. He appeared to be very confused, knowing about the coffee addiction but not how extreme it was. Then after some speculation, he said to the professor, "Were you stalking us this entire time?"

Ozpin began to climb the tree to avoid the accusing stares of the group that had formed around him.

_"Stalking _is such a strong word," he drawled as he moved out of their sight. "I prefer _'intense research of an individual_.'"

"That's called stalking," Blake said rather bluntly.

Ruby tried to defend the professor, as crazy as he currently was in his coffee-deprived state. "What? No, I'm sure he monitors all of the students like this!"

"It's true," Ozpin called out. "We don't have enough money for surveillance cameras so we observe in person."

Ren shook his head. "No, he's definitely been stalking us."

One of the plants fell to the ground and Ozpin jumped down to make sure it hadn't been harmed. He tried to deny the claims even though the situation didn't look so good for him. "No, I was simply out on a morning walk with Glynda. We were discussing how ungrateful some of the students last year were when they revolted against me and my teaching methods. Right, Glynda?"

Glynda was nowhere to be seen. Ozpin suddenly lost all of his credibility with the group around him.

"Damn it Glynda!" Ozpin shouted, picked up his plant, and rushed off to find better cover. "You're never there when I need you to be!"

Bored with this scene, the old man ignored the headmaster and opened a bottle of holy water, splashing it onto Roman as he shouted: "_Humiliare sub potenti manu die, contremisce et effuse, invocato-_"

"STOP THAT ALREADY!" Roman roared at the old man. He then pointed at Nora, who waved happily. "If gingers are evil and have no souls, then shouldn't you be exorcising _her _too?"

The old man narrowed his eyes at the young, orange-haired girl in bright pink clothing. "The devil is strong in that one, he is."

"HI!" Nora waved with even more energy than before. "Are we talking about me?"

"I've tried exorcising that girl, but nothing worked. But as for you!" The old man reached into his pants pocket, revealing a Holy Hand Grenade. "Give me my lucky charms, you darned leprechaun!"

Roman dodged the Holy Hand Grenade and the students moved away as the two began to fight again. "Oh so now I'm a leprechaun, am I? What happened to being a demon? Make up your mind, shopkeeper! I bet you're just pissed because I tried to rob your Dust store."

"Leprechauns are also demons!" the old man shouted.

Roman's eye twitched and he crackled his knuckles, ready to show his pursuer what a fist looked like up close.

"Yeah, that's right," the shopkeeper taunted, "I've seen you and your magical gems! Trying to hide your treasure instead of storing it in a bank like a reasonable man- I know what you are!"

"Say it," Roman ordered threateningly. "Out loud."

"... A leprechaun!" the old man shouted, and from out of no where, produced a Holy Water gun and began to open fire at the alleged Leprechaun/Demon. "And I'm not afraid of you!"

Sympathizing with the criminal, Yang returned the unicycle and let him wheel away as the shop keeper gave chase. Pyrrha finally took her hands off of Ruby and Jaune's eyes, and reclaimed her shield from Yang at last.

With the strange man with the unicycle gone, Pyrrha reassured the group that he wouldn't return and they would be safe from now on (but they would have to move out of the neighborhood), and that she would never let anything harm them.

Ren looked after where Torchwick had disappeared into the night on his unicycle. "I don't know if I'll be able to sleep anymore after seeing that," he said.

Ruby approached the bushes Ozpin had dived into for better cover. "Can you just pass us all and get his over with?" she asked. "I want to go home."

Ozpin emerged from his hiding spot, not bothering to brush himself off as he was already carrying numerous plants in his arms. "Well," he began, "you technically did complete your assignment when you let me rob that Starbucks. And as for that volcano mission- er, well... you killed a Grimm, so I'll let that one pass."

"Yay!" Nora cheered.

The headmaster of Beacon cleared his throat so he could announce the teams that he considered to be important. If Glynda shouted at him to give that speech after this, he would have witnesses to back him up.

"Ruby Rose, Weiss Schnee, Blake Belladonna, and Yang Xiao Long," he spoke to the group of four girls, "from now on, you will be be team CFFE, led by Ruby Rose. Also, you will be getting new names as of today."

They weren't sure if they were alright with renaming, but they honestly didn't care at this point. Everyone agreed that they just wanted to leave and go to bed.

"Ruby Rose will now be referred to as _Caramel Mocha._ Weiss Schnee shall be _French Vanilla_. Blake Belladonna will be called _Frappuccino,_ and Yang Xiao Long, you are now _Espresso,_" he announced. "Congratulations."

Then he turned to the remaining four students.

"Jaune Arc, you will lead team BEAN," he informed the young man. "Jaune, your name from now on shall be _Black Eye_-"

"Black eye? That sounds terrible!" Jaune grimaced.

"No, don't worry," Ozpin interrupted before the student could complain any further. "It's a dripped coffee with a double shot of espresso. It's very strong."

Jaune's self-esteem suddenly sky-rocketed through the roof at the somewhat compliment.

"Nora Valkyrie, you shall be _Eggnog Latte_," he continued, "Pyrrha Nikos is now _Affogato,_ and Lie Ren has the honor of being referred to as _Nutmeg Spice._"

As the recently formed teams began to celebrate, Ozpin noted that this was going to be one very interesting year. Teams CFFE and BEAN seemed very promising, and he was looking forward to their future accomplishments.

He glanced at his stolen goods. There wasn't much left after he had revived poor Bartholomew and given him a week's supply of caffeine so he could support himself. Then he looked after the backs of the students as they left. Ozpin made sure they didn't notice him sneaking away, and went to go steal someone's airship.

Since he didn't get much coffee in that heist, he may as well go to a region that did have caffeine, and cause international affairs by stealing their coffee instead. Now determined to do just this, he stole the first aircraft that he found and flew away, leaving Vale behind him in the dust.

Because really, why not. He was already in trouble with the law, so he may as well cause a huge mess to inconvenience everyone else. That would teach them to not_ not _have caffeine in their stores and cafes.

In the distance, Ozpin could hear Dr. Batholomew Oobleck nodding approvingly as he said, "Just Do It."

And _Just Do It_ he did.

._.

* Yeah, I have no excuse here. You all know what that meant.

**Junior's VA.

Next Chapter: Ozpin becomes desperate in his attempts to get the coffee, a food fight begins and Pyrrha is probably trying to kill Cardin; Bartholomew is a terrible role model, and Beacon is destroyed because somebody set it on fire. Also, don't drink the coffee because the water in the pot probably came from a (unused) toilet.


	6. Uranus Is Always The Butt of Our Jokes

Warnings for puns, fourth-wall smashing, and innuendos.

Also, I'm convinced Weiss is a tsundere. That is all.

.InsertRandomIrrelevantComment.

Blake Belladonna observed silently as the energetic blonde girl known as Yang Xiao Long pushed all but one bed into the corner of their dorm room. This young lady had woken them up at six in the morning to do just this, but for what none of them could understand. A good while into this seemingly random act, Yang stared at the beds she had crammed into one corner of the room, and then to the one bed in the other corner by itself.

Perhaps Yang was a violent sleeper, or she just wanted her space and was selfish. Blake wasn't comfortable with having to share a close space with these people, so she claimed the bed on the outside of the cluster and attempted to push it a bit away from the next bed over. As long as she had room to put her books and other belongings somewhere, Blake didn't have many problems with this strange arrangement. The same couldn't be said about her other roommates, however.

Weiss's fists were balled up in anger and her face was turning a bright shade of red. "Why are all the beds in the corner?" she exclaimed at last, her frustration the result of having been woken up early in the morning coupled with her new teammate's insane behavior. "Don't tell me you need_ that_ much room to sleep."

She placed her hands on her hips, tapping her foot impatiently for an answer that Yang didn't give her. Yang was too busy looking over the placement of the furniture, muttering to herself as she further isolated the lone bed.

Genuinely curious now, Blake decided to speak up. "Do you have a history of sleep walking?" she asked, while hoping this was the answer. Because honestly, she couldn't think of any other logical reason why her teammate would be doing this to them. Also, it was early and she couldn't think of a better explanation with her sleep-deprived brain.

Not only had she gone to bed far too late and woken up far too early, but throughout the night Professor Ozpin could be heard shouting (something about his barricade going missing) while Glynda told him to be quiet until he gave up around two in the morning, presumably only because Glynda got fed up and knocked him out. Blake hadn't gotten much sleep at all, and wasn't even in the mood to speculate over something that was probably trivial. At any moment, Yang would say "yes, I sleep walk and snore violently" or something along those lines.

At last, the fiery young woman spoke. "That isn't my bed," she informed them.

Yang's younger sister immediately went pale in the face. She covered her mouth with her hands at this revelation, and slowly backed away towards the door. "Oh no," she whispered with increasing dread, "Yang, please don't tell me you're going to do this to me again…"

_Again?_ Blake frowned and looked between the sisters. She wondered what "this" was, to make Ruby resort to using Weiss as a human shield. She also wanted to know why Yang was taking out construction materials from her suitcase...

"Sorry little sis, but I promised the family I would make sure that no one tried to sleep with you while you were away from home," Yang apologized, taking out makeshift wooden planks and setting them against the wall to stand.

"Yang!" Ruby complained, covering her face with her hands in embarrassment.

Weiss rolled her eyes. "Well you don't have to worry about us hooking up with your sister," she told Yang, "It's not like I like her or anything."

And suddenly Yang was at Weiss's throat with a saw. "Don't you dare try to get in my little sister's stockings!" she hissed, her lavender eyes now glowing red as her entire body set on fire, "I know what you're up to, miss Frosted Flakes. I've seen the way you look at her."

Weiss was speechless.

"That wasn't me being a tsundere!" she shrieked, her shock now returning to anger as Yang moved away from her. "What the heck is wrong with you?"

Blake folded her arms and made sure she was safe before talking to Yang, who was still on fire. "Where did you get the wood?" she questioned, pointing at the planks where they were set out against the wall. It looked as if most of them had been part of a door- a doorknob was still attached on one of the parts- and already used by someone else. Blake was willing to bet that Yang had stolen those from someone when she returned to Beacon to help out team BEAN. "Did you actually plan this out?"

Yang said nothing as she retrieved the wooden planks and took them over to Ruby's isolated bed, likely about to build a barrier around it to keep them out. The stack was almost set on fire, but Yang dropped it like someone was about to make a reference regarding the temperature of the aforementioned objects.

Ashamed of her sister, Ruby quickly got changed into the school uniform (with Yang shouting at everyone not to look at her sister naked), and excused herself from the room. "I'm going to the cafeteria for breakfast," she claimed, heading out the door, "'Kay thanks bye."

Weiss followed after their team leader as she didn't want to receive another death threat from the ship-wrecker.

"F***!" Yang swore, and set down the construction materials as she rushed into the hallway to shout after them. "Ruby, no!" she screamed. This caused the other team across the hall to open the door and look out at them. "Weiss is just trying to get into your pants!"

Ruby and Weiss only walked down the hallway at a faster rate. They didn't respond to Yang's shouting, exiting the scene together while ignoring the words the blonde- still on fire- was directing towards them.

"And if you think that's bullcrap, half of the fandom agrees with me!" Yang finished, out of breath (and fire) as her sister and Weiss disappeared. Team BEAN slowly retreated back into their room, terrified of the girl who was screaming complete nonsense.

Yang didn't bother closing the door. She shook her head as she returned to building a wooden box around her sister's sleeping area. At that moment, Blake noticed that each of the planks had been scribbled on with sharpie marker, repeatedly stating "NO BOYZ OR GURLS OR TENTACLE MONSTERS ALLOWED."

"… You're really worried about your sister," Blake commented awkwardly. She wasn't sure what to think of this situation, but what was happening here definitely wasn't appropriate.

"Of course I am," Yang huffed. She continued putting the barricade up as she spoke. "I don't know why, but these strangers called 'RWBY fans' have been pairing my little sis with other people ever since something called the 'Red Trailer.' The fans of this RWBY show are really determined to put her in a ship with people I don't care for, and it isn't just Ruby either!"

Blake wasn't following this at all. "Oh?…"

Sensing knew that Blake had no clue what she was talking about, Yang explained as she constructed. "Apparently this show RWBY is about us. About Ruby, Frosted Flakes, you, and me. In that order," she said. "I feel like we're being stalked."

With those sentences, Blake Belladonna realized that she did not understand anything anymore, and that no amount of exposition would ever clarify her confusion.

Yang began to hammer harder. "And as if it weren't bad enough, the people that watch this show have been pairing us off left and right. Some of the ships don't even make sense! Like, there was this one about RubyxCookie I think? I don't know, but it was a really weird idea now that I think about it…"

"WAIT!" Blake stopped Yang. "What's this about the RWBY show you mentioned?"

To explain without actually having to talk, thus saving a large amount of time she could use being more productive, Yang took out her phone and used the YouTube application. She handed the phone over to Blake as she pulled up a video for her to watch.

"Okay look, it's been posted on YouTube and there's only about a season so far, but it's actually pretty good," she told her. "The episodes aren't that long, like Hetalia and Bravest Warriors. So it's easy to get involved in the fandom."

As Blake watched the Red trailer, she asked, "Who thought up all of this stuff? It seems pretty cool."

Yang grinned. "It was created by some guy named Monty O-" she abruptly stopped. "OH MY GOD! I forgot!" she dropped her construction tools, getting up from where she was kneeling on the floor. "I was supposed to meet with someone today. What time is it?"

Glancing at the time on Yang's phone, she answered reassuringly, "Class begins in two hours. You have time to do what you need to do."

"Okay good," Yang sighed in relief. She went over to another suitcase, opening it and taking out… a bag of coffee beans? "I'm supposed to give this to my- uh- friend," she quickly lied when she saw Blake's questioning expression.

"… I thought there was no coffee left," Blake said, stopping the trailer halfway through.

"Uhh," Yang broke eye contact.

"You stole it, didn't you," she accused. But she didn't really care whether she had or hadn't. As long as Yang didn't do something insane like explode the school, she would let this pass.

Seeing as how there weren't many other options, Yang admitted, "Okay, yeah, I stole it from the headmaster a while ago." She reestablished eye contact, seemingly at ease knowing that Blake wasn't about to run off and tell everyone. "I thought that since I was going to meet these people anyways that I may as well mess with everyone. And also, I wanted to make some cash off of Ozpin's coffee stash."

Blake was surprisingly okay with her teammate trolling everyone. "So this show, RWBY… it's about us, and the stuff we're going to do?"

Yang nodded. "Well, yeah. There's also a wikia devoted to it; there's some neat stuff on there. But there's also a lot of shipping, and you know how I am around Ruby."

"You really don't like shipping." She wondered if that was why the airship had sunk before initiation. Had Yang been uncomfortable with any of those possibilities coming true?

"I dislike it most of the time," Yang corrected her.

"Most of the time?" It felt as if this madwoman hated romantic pairings entirely, but whatever. Blake wasn't judging. She did understand the problem that Yang had with watching her little sister being put together with other people, though. Yang was probably very attached to Ruby even if she wouldn't say it out loud.

"Well, okay," Yang sighed. "I like some of the pairings, but I won't say which ones."

Blake nodded, not pressing for the pairing preference. Heterosexual, girl on girl or boy on boy, she didn't mind any of these types. "Fair enough," she said. "You have your ships and I have mine as well." She went back to watching the RWBY trailers on Yang's phone, sitting down on her new bed as she made herself comfortable. "Have fun with… selling the stolen goods, I guess."

"Oh, I will," Yang promised.

A thought then occurred to Blake as Yang headed out the door.

"Hey, you're not lacing those with drugs, are you?" Blake called out. "I hope you're not putting any drugs or other chemical elements in those things…"

A smile crept across Yang's face from cheek to cheek. Blake felt that she was going to regret asking that question when she saw the troll face come up.

"Well, I don't use those sorts of dirty tricks…" Yang trailed off. "But if I were to add an element to this coffee-"

_Don't you dare, don't you dare-_

"-it would probably be…" Yang's troll face got wider.

"…"

"…."

"Oh my god say it already!" Blake snapped.

Yang decided to build up more suspense. "…It would_ be_..."

Blake glared.

"_RWBY_dium!" Yang cheered, having set loose another bad pun into the world.

Nearby, a drum set produced a noise that sounded much like a "badum tsss."

"Get out of here," Blake pointed at the door.

"I guess this is my _PUN_ishment for telling bad jokes," Yang winked.

Blake's expression clearly read _gtfo_.

"Make sure you keep that coffee away from the headmaster," Blake remembered to warn Yang as she exited. "He can probably smell it a mile away."

"I know, I'll be careful," Yang said and closed the door behind her.

-At The Cafeteria-

Ozpin didn't like being blocked by doors.

He didn't like doors at all, actually. They were useless, even when reduced to strips of wood that were capable of boarding up his office's windows. Because it turned out that these makeshift planks couldn't even do that, because when he returned to his office after his stealing spree ended, he found that all of the planks were gone.

He had already been in a bad mood because _someone _(no names here) went on a witch hunt and chased him half across the globe. Long story short, he was forced to return the coffee when he was captured by the authorities and bailed out by his employee. Then he was returned to Vale after being banned from those areas forever. He had no regrets.

Not only was he forbidden from returning to those areas, but at home, he was also prohibited from having anymore coffee for the next five months. As his employees told him: "You need to stop drinking" to which he responded "I can stop any time I want!" and was promptly hit on the head by Glynda as the rest of his employees took whatever coffee was left and secured it behind a giant safe in the kitchen that he couldn't get past.

Yes, Professor Ozpin did not like doors at all. Doors were useless and had no place in his academy! All doors could go to hell for all he cared.

As he thought this with narrowed eyes, coincidentally glaring at the very safe in which his precious coffee was being held, Glynda told him to get away from the safe. Ozpin took only one step back, empty mug in hand and walking cane in the other.

"This coffee tastes strange," Glynda muttered, setting her own mug down on a nearby table.

Ozpin eyed the drink enviously. He put on his best puppy dog look in hopes that he would be allowed just a little of the coffee pot, but Glynda refused to look at him. He dropped the face and made a mental note to get his revenge at a later date.

If it came down to it, he was willing to use lethal force to get his caffeine. At this rate, with Glynda watching him like a hawk, he was probably going to have to.

"Hey Glynda, I think Cardin Winchester is giving some nerd a wedgie over there!" Ozpin pointed past the food line from where they stood in the pantry. "You should go help the poor student; I don't think I can walk over there fast enough," he gestured towards his cane, assuming the posture of an old man. "Too bad I'm aging."

Glynda sighed and went go help the student. Ozpin was suddenly grateful that Cardin could be found doing such a thing at any given point in time. It made his goal easier to reach.

Ozpin wondered how exactly he was going to get inside the safe. Should he use C4? Did he even have any C4?

"Just do it," Bartholomew answered his thought, mysteriously moonwalking out of sight and going behind one of the supply shelves.

"Okay," Ozpin shrugged. "But I'm going to need a bigger distraction if this is going to work."

He looked past the counter and squinted to see Glynda ordering Cardin to put down Jaune Arc, otherwise known as Black Eye. Cardin reluctantly let go of the student, and set him free. Black Eye ran back to his table, hiding behind Ms. Affogato for protection.

From the looks of things, Glynda was going to return any moment. In his panic, Ozpin picked up the first object within his reach and rushed forward, hurling the object into the crowd and quickly ducking after release to avoid detection by Glynda.

As the screaming began, he turned away to go blow up that coffee vault.

_Meanwhile, at team CFFE and BEAN's table._

"Weiss Schnee, I think I'm in lesbians with you," Jaune Arc blurted after returning to his table.

Weiss, having been filing her nails, stopped and did not blink at the blond teenager sitting across the table from her. She went back to filing her nails, a clear sign that the feeling was not mutual.

Rejected, Jaune put his head down on the table to sulk. He was fortunate that at that moment, Weiss chose to reject him and allow him to put his head down, because flying straight at them was a yellow flash that normally would have hit poor Jaune Arc. However, as he put his head down, the yellow flash missed his head and instead crashed into Ruby's face, knocking the girl off of her seat and onto the floor.

"Isn't that?…" Yang watched as the yellow object stopped in its path, now falling in what she felt was slow motion towards the ground. "A banana?"

It wasn't that hard of a mystery to solve. Ruby was simply hit by a banana in the cafeteria by Professor Ozpin.

But of course the students didn't know this, because they've never played the game_ Clue._

"Man down!" Nora gasped.

Weiss kept filing her nails.

Yang, on the other hand, exploded.

"OH HELL NO!" she shouted, bursting into flames. She shot up from her seat, standing on top of the table as she readied Embers Celica. "Who the hell threw that innuendo-reeking abomination at my little sis?"

The cafeteria fell silent, terrified.

"Oh I see how it is," Yang then began to laugh madly. She reached down to pick up Ren's plate of pancakes, thus denying him his second helping. "If no one wants to take the blame, then you're ALL going to pay!"

With that, Yang launched the pancake plate into the air, firing at them with Embers Celica one by one to send them flying across the room and into various students' faces.

One of the many victims of this stunt was Cardin Winchester, the bully who had not yet actually done much harm but was being persecuted by his peers preemptively, causing the storyline to alter drastically. He was not paying attention when Yang had sent the pancakes flying, and was hit in the face as he texted on his iPhone like every other teenager in the room. The phone was knocked out of his hands as he fell backwards, a girl with bunny ears running up to him to shove carrots up his nostrils to add to the insult.

Cardin never saw who did this. Everything was moving too fast for him to catch onto anything, and tables were being flipped like no one even cared. But as he got back up, at the same time Jaune just so happened to raise his head to see what kind of chaos was going on. The two made eye contact, and Jaune screamed in fear for his life as Cardin assumed that Jaune had been the one to throw the pancake at him. Cardin charged forward, and again for no reason, the viewing audience witnessed this event in slow motion.

Now Cardin, with his fist weighing approximately .7 kg and accelerating at 670.5 cm/s (squared) within this short instant (1), was capable of generating an estimated 4693.5 Newtons of force per square centimeter. With his fist closing in on Jaune's face and with no time for the soon to be sucker-punched victim's reaction time to kick in, it seemed as if Jaune's jaw stood no chance. The force required to at the very least fracture a bone of a young man such as Jaune's age is calculated to be around 3000 to 5000 Newtons of force, meaning, that as Cardin's clenched hand came in contact with Jaune's face, Jaune was in for a lot of pain according to science.

Yet as the action occurred, Jaune's aura activated and he lit up like a lamp, thus deflecting the hit but painfully shattering many of the tiny bones in Cardin's hand as this impact was the equivalent of punching a concrete wall. Cardin nursed his hand as he crumpled into fetal position on the floor, rocking back and forth as he shouted bloody murder.

"Bloody murder!" he shouted dramatically, "bloody-"

A familiar spear suddenly hit the ground beside his head. Nearby, Pyrrha hid behind one of the various flipped-over tables throughout the cafeteria, peeking around the corner to see if her weapon had met its target. Her disappointment was evident as her hopeful expression instantly turned sour, whereas the bully- who hadn't even had the chance to properly troll anyone yet- screamed in terror, his indigo eyes widening in fear as he scrambled to get up and escape by using the emergency exit.

His team members felt little pity for him, too immersed in the ongoing food battle to care. Brussel Sprouts did decide to avenge his leader's humiliation, and snuck up on Jaune with a large fruit in his hands.

"I hope you like melons, loser!" Brussel shouted.

As Jaune turned around at the sound of Brussel Sprout's voice, a large watermelon came crashing down on his head. Jaune fell to his knees in a daze and Pyrrha looked on in shock as he muttered in his delusion about how, instead of seeing stars, he was seeing melons.

"No one likes veggies!" Nora attempted to get back at Brussel for his actions, hamburger in hand as she stuffed the food down his throat. "Have some meat, veggie-head!"

"Nora, stop," Ren shouted, trying to calm down his energetic friend before she could kill the not-yet bully. The most he had done was laugh at people and smash a fruit on Jaune's head because, to be fair, Jaune caused Cardin to break his hand. But it wasn't really that fair because Cardin had accused Jaune of hitting him with a pancake when he didn't even have any evidence to back up his claim.

Ren wasn't so sure if he should stop Nora anymore. Now that he thought about it, those guys really were jerks. But then again, he didn't want Nora to be put on trial for murder because she was a really good friend of his. He didn't want her to end up in jail. Was this another one of her attempts to steal the spotlight? Because it wasn't worth it if it was.

"NORA, STOP!" he shouted, accidentally tripping Yang as he flailed his arms like flagellum. "You're going to be arrested for that."

Nora shrugged. "Hm. Would you visit me in prison if I brushed Brussel Sprouts off the plate anyways?"

"Even if you do end up in jail, you know I would visit you every day," Ren was about ready to face palm. Brussel was trying to unsuccessfully swallow the fast food behind her and she didn't even notice. He didn't want to think of what would happen if he had let her break Cardin's legs. "But I would rather be with you all the time," he told her honestly. "So can you _please_ put the man with the strange lime green mohawk down?"

"Okay!" Nora giggled, and released Brussel Sprouts. To help him out, she punched him in the stomach and the hamburger went flying out of his mouth.

The hamburger landed on the floor next to a burning table. Ren realized that as he had been preoccupied with Nora, that when he tripped Yang she must have still been on fire. Glancing around, he saw that the entire room had been engulfed in flames, all because his arm got in the way of fire-girl.

"… We should probably evacuate," Nora said after a while.

Ren nodded in agreement. He didn't even know if he wanted to go to school here anymore if this was what the everyday life was like. Was it too late to transfer?

Before he and Nora could exit the building, there was an explosion from within the kitchen. The sound woke up Ruby from unconsciousness, and the girl finally got back up only to see her school burning down around her.

"How did she not get hurt this entire time?" Ren questioned out loud.

His question was answered when he saw Jaune in lamp-mode, having recovered from his melon injury. He was sitting at the table close to Ruby, making sure that she wasn't killed off in the madness that had originally been a food fight.

"My head hurts," Ruby groaned as she got up from the floor.

Curiously, Jaune couldn't help but ask: "Did you see fruits when you were knocked out, too?"

Ruby didn't understand this. "What?"

Jaune tried again. "When you were hit by the banana," he reminded her. "Did you see fruit floating around your head in circles?"

"My god," Yang interrupted, having overheard the inquiry, "Jaune, stop flirting with my little sister! Didn't you know that three out of ten teenagers get pregnant at least once before the age of twenty?! My family told me not to let her become a statistic and people like you and Weiss are making my job impossible!"

"Wha-"

Jaune was cut off but this time he managed to dodge Yang's punch.

"Woah, you need to go to anger management, lady!" he shouted as the blonde attempted to ward him away. "I was just asking Ruby if the same thing happened to her."

"…" Yang glared, but calmed down. "FINE," she growled, and stormed away.

Ren chose this time to bring himself into the conversation. "So," he drawled, "what was that explosion?…"

Ruby blinked. "I think that's what woke me up," she said. "Let's go check it out."

The group travelled over to the counter separating the cafeteria from the kitchen and entered the employee-only area. Behind them, Pyrrha was trying to assassinate Cardin and Yang was setting everything on fire, while Weiss filed her nails because she didn't care. Blake was no where to be seen, but they assumed that she turned ninja and was blending in with the environment somewhere. Everyone else of teams CFFE and BEAN were present as they investigated the source of the explosion.

Normal people would run away from an explosion and refrain from approaching until they deemed the scene safe. However as logic escaped these youngsters, they walked towards the cause right away.

They found their headmaster inside a large vault, robbing the pantry of all its coffee. Not knowing if they should stop him (and risk getting expelled) they shared a look as they wondered what they should do.

Thankfully, Glynda Goodwitch returned.

"That's it, Ozpin,_ YOU REALLY NEED TO PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER!"_ she roared at her employer. Then she turned her frightening expression to the students present. "As for you four!" she narrowed her green eyes, and then glanced at Ozpin, who had been caught red-handed. "Make sure he doesn't escape. I need to have a talk with Bartholomew about his recent behavior and how he's being a terrible influence on the headmaster. Assuming I am able to catch Bartholomew, that is."

"But I'm not Ozpin," Ozpin tried, "My name is Roman To-"

Glynda flung her coffee mug from earlier at him, the force sending him to the ground.

"The _Roman_ Empire has fallen," Ozpin cried from where he laid "helpless" on the floor. "And it cannot get up! But does it have Life Alert?" (2)

"SHUT UP!" Glynda shouted. "Sir, I've had enough of your nonsense! I understand that you need your coffee, but this is getting out of control," she told him. "I'm going to have to send you to a rehabilitation center at this rate."

"That's not going to work," Ren voiced his opinion.

Glynda didn't care. "Then I'll send him to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting. And teams RWBY and JNPR will go with him," she stated, "seeing as how your teams have not _only_ a blood thirsty woman with a spear," she pointed at Pyrrha, "but also a kleptomaniac who is also a pyromaniac, an overly-energetic and possibly demonically-possesed ginger, a tsundere in complete denial about her status, and a ninja who is most likely a terrorist."

"What?" Ozpin frowned. "They're teams CFFE and BEAN. And you've got it all wrong, Glynda. They're good kids, I swear."

Glynda grit her teeth, shaking her head as if telling herself it wasn't worth blowing up the school because of one man.

"Tomorrow," she told what was left of teams '_RWBY_' and '_JNPR_,' "you will be attending a nearby Narcotics Anonymous meeting with the headmaster. Bring your absent team members with you. In the meantime, evacuate the school while I go after Bartholomew."

Reluctantly, the four students escorted old man Ozpin out of the building, convincing their fellow teammates to stop what they were doing and leave the building before they all died inside.

It took a while, but eventually every student was safe outside of Beacon Academy. When the fire died down, it was night time. The moon was broken, the stars weren't shining because of light pollution, but Uranus was visible for the entire world to see, causing so many levels of incomprehensible discomfort amongst the inhabitants of Vytal for reasons that weren't clear.

And by the time the sun rose again in the morning, Glynda Goodwitch gave up on hunting down Bartholomew. She decided that it just wasn't worth the effort, and settled for sending teams RWBY and JNPR to the Narcotics Anonymous meeting along with Headmaster Ozpin. She hoped that their experience would change them for the better, and as result make her job a little easier.

She doubted that it would make much of a difference, though.

.TheseAuthorNotesBetterBeAmusingIfYou'reStillReadi ngThis.

(1) Fun fact: The fastest martial arts punch is 44 mph (70.8 km/h) and was achieved by Keith Liddell (USA), at the Body Tac Karate Dojo in Chicago, Illinois, USA, on 6 October 2012. Yeah, I don't think this guy is human either. Probably an android.

(2) No wonder the Roman Empire collapsed.

Let me know if there is anything I can do to improve reading experience be it by review or PM :3 I'm always grateful when I'm able to improve my writing quality, because then it becomes a lot more fun and challenging to write. Even if no one reads my work, or my work isn't as popular as the other stories in the fandoms I contribute to, I don't care because I'm able to take pride in what I've done the moment I am told "you made me laugh." So let me know if I'm able to do that this time around and we'll sit down, have some warm tea or coffee because it's cold but then tomorrow it will be hot because of global warming so if you want to sit down tomorrow we'll make some sort of arrangement. Not a floral arrangement because the "cold" already killed the plants.

...

Did I mention I hate the weather lately? Because I do. It's true. My lips are blue. You have no clue. My mind just blew. It flew. Into. A queue. To buy a warmer shoe. But it had a flu, so in that queue, it had some hot stew. But because rhyming this much was taboo, it performed kung fu. On me, not you. And so from the ground I withdrew, into the sky shouting "PCHOOOO!" all the way to Timbuktu. Or maybe it was Peru. Wherever I went I'll just have to make do, and say "thank you" if you review.

Next chapter: I'm pretty sure there's something in the water you use for the coffee. Something that makes everyone go crazy. There's also a lot of environmentally-friendly things next time, but are any of them sensible? And where the exactly is the plot? Did it turn invisible? Is it buried under layers and layers of crack? Or was it never there to begin with? Perhaps I'm just wasting your time and none of this will actually be on the next page.


	7. Time Traveling Is Overrated

Note: Someone get that man some coffee, seriously.

._.

After the group was yelled at by Glynda (still muttering about how she was unable to find Bartholomew) a second time while Ozpin pretended not to hear her, several other teachers of Beacon were pulled into this and were forced to help in case the headmaster escaped. Peter Port was one of these teachers, along with some other staff members that they weren't too familiar with. They were to remain in this unnaturally crowded room of fold-up chairs in downtown Vale until the meeting was over.

Despite being yelled at by Glynda to go, none of the staff were doing anything to actually help things run smoothly. They were all busy on their phones, or creating lesson plans for their next classes. Ruby understood that; they had their own things to do. But she thought it would be nice if they even bothered to at least keep their boss away from the free coffee on the side, and to (maybe) get him up on stage so he could admit he had a problem.

To encourage their headmaster, the members of team RWBY and JNPR- Glynda told them those were their real team names- decided to get up on stage and shout out their own problems even though they weren't required to.

Ruby went first despite the fact that she didn't have any problems that were too serious like Pyrrha or Yang's. As she glanced at the crowd before her, she saw their teams, the staff, and then people who were pretending to have addictions so they could eat the free food. So she started talking about something that was somewhat relevant.

"Every day for every meal I eat cookies," she began speaking in front of the group. "Sometimes one, sometimes ten. Now that I think about it, that's all I ever really eat. But there was this one time- yesterday- when I was trying to eat my plate of cookies, and suddenly a banana hit me in the face. I still don't know what that was about, but when I woke up there was an explosion and the school was on fire."

She meant it when she said that she had no clue. There were multiple rumors running about who was responsible for this. Jaune claimed that Cardin did it, whereas Cardin insisted that the culprit was actually Pyrrha, the spear-weilding blood thirsty maniac. But Ruby knew Pyrrha was only trying to get rid of just Cardin, so that couldn't have been true. However, Pyrrha did glance at the headmaster and say "it was him," but Ruby found that hard to believe, even as Ozpin tried to make his exit while claiming that the banana-flinger was in fact Roman Torchwick.

"That poor girl!" Nora burst out into tears suddenly. "She shouldn't have had to been put through such a terrible ordeal!"

Ren looked to his crying friend tiredly. "Nora, we were all there when it happened. And it wasn't as bad as what happened to Cardin, who got hit with a pancake, had carrots shoved up his nose, then broke his hand very painfully and was almost assassinated by Pyrrha."

Nora was unsympathetic. "Meh," she shrugged and stopped crying. "He deserved it."

"He didn't even do anything that bad though," Ren told her.

"Not yet," Yang muttered from where she sat behind them.

They weren't sure how to respond to that. Every once in a while, Yang would say stuff like that ("not yet" or "you'll see") and they wouldn't know what she was referring to until it actually happened.

"Are you psychic?" Nora questioned.

Yang glanced up from the video playing on her phone. "I wish I was," she answered.

Ruby frowned. "Er, should I just stop there? You guys are kind of talking over me…"

"Yeah you guys, respect the speaker," Pyrrha said while typing away disrespectfully on her phone. "Be quiet so I can focus on stalking Cardin's twitter."

She felt like she should talk more about the recent disaster that started with one banana, but it wasn't like the audience was really listening. She stopped there and let Weiss take the stage.

Between Jaune and Pyrrha was an empty seat, so she took it. Pyrrha had given her spear its own seat but gave it up so Ruby could sit down with them. As Ruby sat, she noticed that Pyrrha was cyber-stalking Cardin on both her phone and laptop. Seeing this, Ruby tapped her on the shoulder and told her to put them away. She didn't understand why Pyrrha was so intent on harassing Cardin, but she was setting a bad example for anyone who could see what she was doing. She had the screen too bright and was staring too closely at it! Furthermore, she hadn't taken a break in the last ten hours.* Enough was enough.

When Weiss was certain that the impressionable teachers weren't listening, she began talking. She didn't want to seem like was anything less than a perfect student, but had told Ruby that she (much to Ruby's surprise) had something to confess.

"…" Weiss nervously looked at the staff in the back of the room. Then she looked over at where their headmaster stood by the refreshments for some reason. "Okay," she took a deep breath to prepare herself. Despite trying to appear calm, she blurted out her confession: "When I first came to Beacon, the headmaster gave me three weeks of detention because I said coffee was terrible. I have to spend those three weeks trying to take care of his coffee tree plants in the Emerald Forest, which are swarming with Grimm constantly. I think this caused me to turn into a total bitch and ever since I've been trying to get revenge on the headmaster by putting unused toilet water in the coffee brewer every time I see one. It's become a bad habit; I don't even think it's that funny anymore! It's kind of disgusting and I need to stop."

There was a silence. At the mention of "coffee tree," Ozpin had stopped what he was doing. While Weiss had spoken too quickly for most of the audience to comprehend, he had caught on right away. He dropped his coffee mug, shocked.

"Ms. Schnee, that is eighteen weeks of detention!" he shouted. "How dare you try to poison me with your bad coffee."

Weiss had clearly been busted. "But-"

"Eighteen weeks! Good lord, now this batch is ruined," he complained. "Thank god I make my own coffee at the school." He put down his coffee, no longer trusting its quality after hearing Weiss's confession. "Poor Glynda though. I wonder if I should tell her." He thought about it, then remembered that the only reason he was wasting his time here was because of the woman in question. "Nah," he said, shaking his head. "I don't even think she'll believe me."

Following Weiss was Blake. Having caught the headmaster's attention, there was more pressure on her to set a good example. Their goal was to have him get up on stage and admit his problem (because according to Wiki How on breaking addictions, this was the first step). Hopefully by the end of the day, Ozpin would take this first step and they could go home.

Not wanting to look directly at the audience, Blake took out the flashcards she had prepared earlier for her speech and began to read off of them. "Hello my name is Blake Belladonna and I excessively read and write fanfiction. I'm also part cat and am a former terrorist but that shouldn't really matter because this does not define who I am. I bet most of you aren't even listening to that last part I said there about me being a former terrorist. But anyways, I-"

Jaune cut her off. "I have a question!" he shouted. He was suddenly holding a notepad and pencil, having been taking notes. He stood so everyone could see who was asking. "Do you write smut?"

Pyrrha was appalled by his audacity but equally curious. "Jaune! That's so rude!" she gasped. Then she took out her phone again, ready to research Blake's possible posting account. "So… do you?…" she coughed into her hand, embarrassed. "Do you publish it online? Er- the explicit content, that is?"

Without an ounce of shame, Blake nodded. "Yes, my account is NinjasOfForbiddenLove on FictionsOfFans. net."

Then Blake put away her flashcards, tossed them into the nearest recycling bin, and took a seat quickly so the next presenter could go.

Yang was that person. "So," she drawled. "A lot of you guys may have noticed, but um, I steal other people's belongings." To distract herself as she tried to think of what to say, she began to brush her hair with a hairbrush that Ruby didn't recall belonging to her.

Nora spoke up. "Isn't that my hairbrush?"

"…No." Yang continued to brush her hair despite the blatant lie.

Yang left the stage, being replaced by Jaune.

"Okay, so I don't really have any addictions," he started off, "so I'll just talk about my problems. Especially regarding Cardin Winchester, the bully who hasn't really bullied anyone yet and I'll discuss how he (sort of but not really) has a problem instead."

As Jaune did this, Ruby's attention was drawn to the side where Ozpin was loudly snacking on chocolate covered espresso beans and drinking the coffee again despite Weiss's earlier confession. Weiss was annoyed by the noise to the point where she snapped and stood, glaring accusingly at the headmaster as she stormed over.

"I thought you said the batch was ruined," she glared.

"I can't help it," he said. "I'm really desperate for coffee right now."

Weiss looked tempted to slap the coffee-products out of his hands. "And why is that?"

Ruby watched as her sister got up again, sneaking around the crowd to make her way over to the refreshment booth. She had stolen someone's purse and crept up to the table. Although Ozpin was close by, he didn't notice as she began to stuff the goods into the purse.

"Because someone stole all of my coffee supply. I think it was the Grimm, but no one seems to believe me," he answered honestly. "Say, do you know any Grimm that can talk and or has a tendency to steal coffee-related products?"

Weiss and Ruby observed in silence as Yang took the rest of the coffee pot, shocked as even Ozpin didn't notice.

"… No sir," Weiss mumbled. "Good luck with that."

Jaune meanwhile continued with his problems. "And then as I began to hum the cup song during lunch, Cardin ran up to me with a milkshake in hand and shouted: '_Milkshake_!' I screamed in terror as he proceeded to recite the lines of Kelis' song, _Milkshake_. I remember him shouting '_And damn right, it's better than yours!'_ as he slammed the beverage onto my head. Then there was this other time, when-"

Nora dropkicked Jaune, who went flying off of the stage.

"My turn!" she cheered. The cheerful girl turned to face the audience. "I like trains!" she shouted.

Jaune dejectedly shuffled over to the snack table, taking one of the remaining donuts left out for the guests. Ruby left her seat to join him, being able to relate to his situation in that things randomly hit them from the side and knocked them over.

To their surprise, Ozpin decided to be a respectable figure of authority for once.

"Don't worry Mr. Arc, when I was your age something very similar happened to me," he consoled the sulking student.

Jaune looked up from his donut. He had been counting the sprinkles in order to focus on anything that wasn't his previous humiliation, while Ruby had tried to help by saying the wrong numbers along with him.

"Really?" He tried to recount the number of sprinkles, having lost his place. "One…"

"Seven!" Ruby interrupted mischievously.

Jaune pointed at the next sprinkle, trying to focus on his counting. "Two…"

"Forty eight," Ruby grinned.

_"Three…_"

"Negative five."

"How can you have negative five sprinkles?!" Jaune was getting distracted very easily.

Ruby picked off five of the colorful sprinkles and ate them.

"Yes, something very similar happened to me when I was your age," Ozpin repeated himself as he mysteriously reminisced.

"… You already said that," Jaune pointed out. "So did you really?"

Ozpin nodded. "Yes, really," he said but didn't elaborate.

Jaune waited a few moments for the explanation, but he impatiently asked: "What happened, then?"

Ozpin blinked. "Oh," he shook himself out of the memory. "Well you see, I started drinking coffee at your age-"

Jaune was confused. "How does this relate to me being dropkicked?"

"No, I was listening to your story about the cup and the milkshake," Ozpin clarified. "And when I said _drinking coffee_ at _your age_, I actually mean that I was bottle-fed coffee when I was a baby," he went on. The group of three (Yang had left while claiming she was going to go steal the blue phone booth outside) sat down on the floor near the refreshment table for story time. Ozpin sat down as well with his coffee mug, and continued. "As I grew up, people wondered why I smelt like coffee beans at every given time of the day. Even my deodorant and shampoo were coffee scented. But then one day someone in my school told me that he didn't like coffee."

Weiss raised her hand. "Did that person take a drink of some other kind and slam it on your head like what happened to that guy?" she asked, pointing at Jaune.

"Not exactly," Ozpin said. "After politely and respectfully listening to that person's complaint, I went home. Then I got the cane that you all see me using today, and returned to school and violently hit them in the face with it!"

They gasped.

"Oh my god!" Jaune exclaimed, horrified that their headmaster would do such a thing.

"I know," Ozpin agreed with Jaune's shock. "You're probably surprised that I didn't push that person out of a plane at 30,000 feet in the air like I wanted to do. But don't worry, I did that one year later."

The group had nothing to say regarding this information. They weren't even sure if it was safe to speak, so they let Ozpin go on with his story which didn't really relate to Jaune's situation. Ruby thought that most of this story was ridiculous and was probably false. Most likely Ozpin was exaggerating his need for coffee while trying to win the sympathy of his staff and students so he could go home. Nothing about his claim sounded believable, but there was no way for them to prove that this didn't actually happen.

"At the time my weapon of choice was a coffee mug that could transform into a gun to shoot my enemies and a knife to spread butter on my toast in the mornings. Or stab non-coffee believers, but whatever. Same thing." He shrugged as if this wasn't a problem, which it was. "But I found that using a cane was equally useful. Did you know I sometimes stir my coffee with it? I've been relying on my cane ever since. We've had many adventures together, me and my cane and my various but equally deadly coffee mugs."

Everyone in the room had stopped what they were doing. The teachers sent along with the group had stopped what they were doing, and on stage Ren wasn't even able to get to the mic as his turn came along.

Not knowing whether or not Ozpin's claim was credible or not, the occupants of the room still recognized that the headmaster of Beacon had a problem more serious than anyone else's. They quickly swarmed him, forcing Ozpin to get up on the stage even as he tried to cling to the coffee machine to slow their efforts.

"What's happening?" Ozpin asked, genuinely confused. "Why am I up here?"

Peter Port answered the question for him. "Not to be disrespectful sir, but you clearly have an addiction to coffee. It's time for an intervention."

Ozpin attempted to deny this. "No, I'm not addicted," he lied. "I've only had twenty four or so coffees today. That's the least amount of coffee I've had in days."

"You have a problem," Blake told him, "It's okay to admit it."

"I don't have a problem," Ozpin said, while drinking his twenty fifth coffee on stage.

Ren backed up Blake at this. "No, sir, you really do have a problem."

Ozpin didn't put his coffee mug down. "Fine," he said, "I will talk up here if that satisfies everyone."

With Ozpin willing to admit to his coffee addiction, the supervisors and attendants of the meeting sat down on the available chairs. However, some of the fold up chairs were missing, so half of the group was forced to sit on the ground.

"Allow me to explain myself," Ozpin began seriously. "I look among you, and all I see is wasted energy."

_I feel like this has already been said before_, Ruby thought to herself. _Something about this line sounds familiar._

"Energy you could be using devoting your lives to the great coffee gods," Ozpin finished. "That is all."

Then he attempted to walk off the stage and leave. However, the crowd became angry with his attitude and forced him back on the stage.

"What? Did I say something wrong?" Ozpin was annoyed that he had stay here when he could be doing other more important things.

"You recycled your speech during initiation, sir, and to top it off you just insulted us as you brushed off your coffee addiction," Peter Port explained.

Ren took out his phone while the teachers prevented their employer from escaping. "That's it. We're calling Glynda," he told the headmaster, and began to dial the woman in question using a number one of the teachers had given him.

"Nice try," Ozpin said, "but I technically did admit to my problem so she won't be able to do anything about this."

While Ren explained the situation to Glynda, Ozpin managed to get away from the teachers. He ran out of the room, pushing several people out of his way. After a quick debate, the teachers decided that it wasn't worth the effort to try and stop him.

As the teachers had already given up, Ruby went after their headmaster to make sure he didn't do anything illegal again. She followed him outside, where she found him approaching a blue phone booth** that had been (somehow) taken from its spot across the street and placed in a pile with other miscellaneous items labeled "_Yang's sweet loot_."

Ruby wondered why Yang had stolen a blue phone booth of all things. What was the point in doing something so pointless? But as Ozpin opened the door to the phone booth, a girl with short orange hair tumbled out.

"Salutations!" the girl exclaimed.

Ozpin stepped around the strange girl with orange hair and bright green eyes, entering the blue phone booth as he ignored her. The girl looked to Ruby, who instinctively began to back away.

"Uh, hello," Ruby greeted. She had a feeling that this person wasn't supposed to be here. She didn't know why that was, but her presence felt out of place.

"Do you remember me?" the girl questioned, getting up from where she was lying on the floor. "What's today? Is it the Vytal Festival yet?"

"Er, no," Ruby shook her head, "that's months from now, sorry."

"Golly gee willikers," the girl exclaimed. "I was sent too far back in time!"

Ruby looked at the blue phone booth that the girl had stumbled out of moments ago.

"Excuse me?" Ruby didn't understand what has happening here. "Did you just say you went back in time?"

The girl nodded. "Indeed! I happened to stumble across a blue phone booth a while ago from my perspective, when I was simply going to call you to ask if you were in possession of duracell AAA batteries. However I have discovered by accident that the phone booth is actually a time-travelling machine, and became quickly sidetracked as I attempted to return to my time in fear of creating a paradox."

Worried that Professor Ozpin would use this alleged time-machine to his advantage, Ruby dropped the conversation there and went after the headmaster. She opened the door to the phone booth, and found a room much larger than she had anticipated. Inside, Ozpin was messing with some of the buttons while trying to find what she assumed was more coffee.

"Wait, don't touch that!" Ruby shouted, the strange girl from the future following her inside. "There isn't any coffee in here!"

Ozpin looked up from the button he just pushed. "I know that," he told her. "But someone left a note in here telling me to push buttons and so I did," he responded, showing her the note he had found inside the "phone booth."

"Someone else wrote that and told me to let a guy with a coffee addiction use it," the girl beamed. "I didn't recognize that person, but he didn't appear to be very important."

After she said this, the door opened and in entered Peter Port. "What's this doing here?" he asked, and then looked at the occupants of the room. "Oh, are we going to do a time skip?"

In response to that, Ozpin pushed a button. A loud grinding and whirring sound was heard and suddenly Ruby wished that she had never agreed to go to Beacon Academy early.

"Splendid!" the girl exclaimed, excitedly grabbing Ruby's hands. "Now I will be able become your friend much sooner from your perspective in time!"

Ruby blinked. "I become your friend in the future?"

"Your BEST friend," the girl answered.

Ruby felt like that was a lie, but she went along with it.

"I don't even know your name though," she told the girl. "You never introduced yourself."

The time-travelling machine brought them into the future as the loud sound came to an abrupt stop. They wandered outside, finding themselves in Vale at the time of preparation for the festival. Back in the time she was supposed to be in, the girl turned to Ruby and smiled.

"You can just call me Penny."

._.

*I don't think that's the problem you should be addressing, Ruby.

**That's the time traveling TARDIS from Doctor Who in case you haven't caught on.

I was going to do this kind of chapter anyways, but Penny's arrival (as of episode 15, "The Stray") makes things easier. We all know the series has done a couple time skips, but now instead of several we're just doing one. This is going to be the only time skip I ever do, so if there's another jump, I'm going to have to see what I can do rather than posting boring filler. Hopefully there won't be another time skip over months (or worse, years) but if there is I will deal with it.

Next chapter: The group learns that time traveling can have negative consequences, Ruby manages to foil yet another one of Roman's robberies, and Yang acts more and more suspicious.


End file.
